Raising kids is a lot of work, no doubt about it. One of the many things parents need to do is teach children to manage their emotions. Kids need to grow from toddlers having tantrums at the grocery store into adults who express frustration in more constructive ways.

Ideally, they should learn to understand and voice the whole range of human emotions.

If your parents were good at emotions, teaching this to your child may come fairly easily to you. You learned the language of emotions early and it seeped into your consciousness. You have a good awareness of what you’re feeling, at least most of the time, and can talk about it with others.

You’re one of the lucky ones.

What if you weren’t so lucky? Maybe your parents were the distant types who had trouble acknowledging any feeling besides “fine.” (Which is not actually a feeling, by the way.) Maybe your folks were volatile, and you never knew what might set them off. Maybe they were good at expressing certain emotions but not others. You would have learned something about feelings, but your emotional vocabulary might be limited.

If you’re in the less-lucky majority, you can still do a great job teaching emotional management; you’ll just have to work a little harder at it.

Body, heart and mind

When emotional systems are operating ideally, body, emotions and words are all aligned. We experience sensations in our body; we feel and notice them; and we know words to name them (to ourselves and others). That’s the goal to keep in mind, even though in the real world it may not go so smoothly.

In practice, many people simply feel an emotion (“I’m mad!”) without noticing the bodily sensations that go with it. Start to notice what happens in your body when, say, you’re angry. You may notice things like a rush of energy, fists and jaw clenching, heart pounding,all those things from the “fight” part of “fight, flight or freeze.” When you’re sad or hurt, you may feel tightness in your heart, drooping in your shoulders, a pit in your stomach or tears welling up behind your eyes.

The mind/word part is identifying what, exactly, the emotion is. Basic emotions have all sorts of variations and nuances. For instance, anger (“someone did me wrong”) is different from frustration (“I can’t get what I want”), which is different from annoyance (“I wish that person did things differently”), which is different from irritable (“I’m in a bad mood today”).

Sadness (“I’ve lost something that mattered to me”) is different from hurt (“someone harmed me emotionally”), which is different from loneliness (“I want to feel more connected than I am right now”). The better able you get at distinguishing these different emotional nuances, the better you’ll be at expressing them and understanding what might help you feel better.

Role of gender

To make things more complicated, cultural expectations get in the way of knowing our emotions. People have somehow come to believe that certain feelings are more acceptable for men and others for women.

Boys tend to be taught that many emotions are “weak” or “sissy” and that they should never cry. They dutifully “man up” (a horrible, limiting expression!) and repress the sad, scared, less “manly” feelings they inevitably feel sometimes. They tend to show these feelings as anger, one of the few emotional options society allows them. (Once they grow up, lust is also allowed.)

The result? Men who struggle to know or express their legitimate feelings. I can’t tell you how many grown men I’ve had in my therapy office who’ve suffered a major loss such as a divorce or the death of someone close to them, teared up, and then apologized for crying. There is nothing to apologize for!

Girls and women are allowed a wider range of emotional expression, but often only the softer feelings. Women are supposed to be “nice” and put others’ needs ahead of their own. Women are often penalized or seen as unfeminine when they express anger, assertiveness, pride or lust.

The idea that men and women have different capacities for emotion is a load of donkey dust. In fact, people of every gender have the same emotional wiring until societal expectations get in the way.

Girls and women can and do feel angry and lustful; boys and men do feel scared, sad and lonely. It happens all the time, and it’s all made worse by the ridiculous idea that we “shouldn’t” feel the way we do.

Sometimes we’re cut off from our feelings not by gender expectations but by family dynamics. Some families can’t tolerate anger, say, from anyone (maybe because the parents grew up in homes with lots of fighting and refuse to allow any anger in their adult life). Or one parent can get angry, but somehow there’s no emotional space for anyone else to get mad.

Other families expect kids of every gender to be “tough” and not acknowledge softer feelings.

All of this drives emotions underground, to the point that people may not even know the feelings are there. This results in emotional and relationship problems in adult life and can even cause physical symptoms.

Emotional “vocabulary”

To give your kids a healthier emotional life, help them learn to feel and express all their emotions. That doesn’t mean letting anger or whatever rip, but being able to say “I’m so angry!” when that’s the case.

The major way parents can do this is by putting words to kids’ feelings (at least, your best guess about what they’re feeling) in the moment. Naming emotions while kids are experiencing them helps them integrate language and sensation, which helps them learn to self-regulate emotions.

For instance, you might say, “I see you’re frustrated that I won’t buy Coco-Puffs” or “I know you’re disappointed that Tyler couldn’t come over today” or “You seem sad. Is it because you miss Grandpa?” You child may not get what she wants, but at least she knows you notice and understand, which means a lot.

You’re teaching the word that goes with her bodily experience and demonstrating that what she’s feeling is acceptable and can be talked about.

As kids get older, you can talk about feelings and social realities. It’s unfortunately still true that boys can get teased for crying at school, for instance. Acknowledge that, but make sure your son knows that at home, he can be real and let the tears come.

It’s also helpful to remember that anyone can learn to tolerate even emotions that aren’t pleasant. No one enjoys feeling scared or embarrassed or hurt, but those are part of being fully human. They happen to everyone.

Resist trying to “fix” the situation or distracting your child right away when he’s upset. Ignoring a feeling doesn’t resolve it; it just buries it, and it’s likely to bubble up again in some sneaky way. Instead, just be with your kid in his hurt or disappointment or whatever. Love him, name the feeling, and let him experience it. It won’t last forever. He’ll learn that he can tolerate his feelings, which will make him more resilient.

The better able kids are to understand and accept their emotions, the more internal strength they develop. Language for feelings will help them manage their emotions and even make them better partners when the time comes.

Jill Whitney is a marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.

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