Do you worry about someone you love? Maybe you have a sibling who won’t stop overspending, a close friend who keeps dating horrible people, an adult child who makes lousy career decisions, or a partner who doesn’t take care of their health.

That can be really upsetting. You care about this person, you want the best for them, and yet they keep creating problems for themselves.

Other situations are even more frightening, like someone who stays in an abusive relationship or misuses drugs or alcohol. Those scenarios can be life-threatening. Of course you’d worry.

If you’re worried, you probably try to help. You offer advice. You comment gently about unnecessary purchases or the number of drinks someone’s had.

You try to connect your friend with nice people to date, you send your kid links about job openings or you throw out the potato chips and make salad for dinner.

All of that is well intentioned, but it may not be effective. When your efforts don’t make things better, you’re left frustrated on top of being worried. Why won’t they listen to reason? Why won’t they make changes that’d make their life better and help you stop worrying?

I wish there was a simple answer. I wish all of us made good choices all the time. But fallible humans that we are, we don’t.

If the person you’re worried about is your child under the age of 18, or older but still living in your home, you have some say in decisions. Trying to control what they do is likely to backfire, but you can set limits. You can forbid certain behaviors in your home (no underage drinking, no illegal drugs, no friends over after x time) and define expectations (kids go to school and do their homework, adults work and pay rent, everyone does chores).

The younger the kid, the more authority a parent should have, since kids’ brains are still developing and parents are responsible for guiding them.

Even with kids and teens, though, parents can’t control every decision. Kids aren’t always with you, for one thing. Plus, they need practice making choices and learning from their mistakes.

Rather than micro-managing, focus on the big-picture stuff like health, safety and education. Rather than imposing your decisions on them, help them learn how to make their own decisions. You may still worry … but that’s just part of parenting. (If the issue is a serious threat to health, yes, of course you should do anything you can to help them get treatment.)

What you can’t control

With adults, you don’t have any control over their choices. Your friends, your partner, and your siblings are their own people who get to make their own choices, no matter how strongly you disagree.

The entire family or friend group may think something is a problem — there may be undeniable evidence that it is a problem — but still, the problem belongs to the person whose life it is.

Now, that doesn’t mean you have no role at all. You can offer to be a resource when and if the person wants your help. You can offer to help with a budget, to fix your friend up with your nice coworker, to go with someone to the gym or to help them find a therapist or a career counselor.

But make the offer knowing that they might not accept your help. If they say No, tell them you’d be glad to help at some point in the future if they’d like. Then let the topic go. (Yes, that’s hard.)

You can also continue to be a caring companion and listener, although you may find you need to avoid talking about the problem area or choose when and where you spend time with the person.

What you can change

Think about any aspects of the problem that directly impinge on you. Those are parts you can do something about, by setting limits.

For instance, you don’t have to keep lending money to your overspending sibling, no matter how desperately they need some cash. You don’t need to eat or cook unhealthy meals just because that’s what your partner wants.

You don’t need to run errands for someone who’s lost their license after too many DUIs. You don’t need to take yet another middle-of-the-night call from your friend complaining about yet another romantic drama.

If you decide to change how you respond to someone’s drama, it’s a good idea to tell them before the situation comes up again. Say something like, “I know I’ve lent you money before/taken your calls late at night/been on your case about ___. I find that’s actually been making me feel pretty stressed, and I’ve decided not to do it anymore. I’m afraid if I don’t stop, I’ll start to resent you, and that’ll harm our relationship.”

The person won’t like the change; they’ll probably continue acting the same way. But you can hold to the boundary you’ve set without guilt, because you’re doing what you need to do to stay sane.

Challenge of acceptance

If you’ve tried offering and your help has been rebuffed, that can be really hard to accept. The person matters to you and the problem is real. But it’s not yours to fix.

You may have heard the Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” Easier said than done, of course, but true.

If you really struggle with accepting something you can’t change, consider talking with a therapist. They can help you assess whether you’ve really done all you can and cope with the worry if the problem is out of your hands.

You might also try Al-Anon’s free peer support groups. The Al-Anon program is designed for families and friends of alcoholics and other substance abusers, but it’s also useful for other situations where you’re worried about someone’s behavior.

When something’s beyond your control, you might also keep telling yourself my sister’s favorite phrase: “Not my pig, not my farm.” That doesn’t make the situation easier, but maybe it’ll help you smile through it.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.