Difficult mother-daughter relationships are all too familiar for Karen C.L. Anderson of New London. A writer, author and master-certified life coach, Anderson says she was never able to find peace or get what she needed from her mother, no matter how much time she spent in therapy and reading books about narcissistic mothers and mothers who can’t love.

But in recent years Anderson was finally able to get unstuck and out of the cycle of negativity she felt trapped in for so many years and wanted to share her newfound happiness and wisdom with other women.

And so she wrote the recently published “The Peaceful Guide to Separating From a Difficult Mother.” In the book, Anderson offers not only her own real life story that she believes other women will identify with, but tips, tools, exercises and journal prompts to help women find peace within themselves, whether or not their mothers are part of the process.

Anderson says the book grew out of a 12-week life coaching master class she completed in 2014. In order to earn and receive her certification, she created a six-week program for adult daughters “seeking resilience and empowerment” that she went on to facilitate.

In the following conversation, Anderson explains how she got to where she is today and why she is so passionate about sharing what she’s learned with other women. 

Q. You had a lifetime struggle with your relationship with your mother. Why were you finally ready to get out of the triangle you describe in the book of victim, persecutor and rescuer?

A. I was struggling in my life without being conscious of it. I wasn’t very happy and had gained a lot of weight. I decided to go for hypnotherapy to lose weight, but instead I discovered this other thing called EFT — Emotion Freedom Technique. I went on to lose 50 pounds and it opened me up to this concept that I didn’t accept myself — one of many turning points in my life. The other amazing thing in my life was meeting my husband back in 1994. He provided me this new paradigm — an experience of unconditional love that I didn’t really know anything about. The longer I was married to my husband, the more I realized maybe (my relationship with) my mother wasn’t normal. The more I grew and had space and separation from her, the more I could see the dysfunction we had together. 

Q. Why did you call the book “The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide …”?

A. My sense is my mother really thrives on conflict. It’s how she is in the world. I’ve seen it in all her relationships. I don’t like conflict; it terrifies me. I want peace in my life. I think for a lot of women who thrive on conflict, if the person who wants to be peaceful doesn’t feed the conflict, the relationship kind of ends. 

Q. Why did you decide to take a life coaching master class?

A. I started blogging in 2009 and met a lot of bloggers who’d become life coaches, and I had a lot of friends who’d become life coaches. I ended up doing a program — The Life Coach School — based in California. The concepts I learned — how to manage my mind, manage my emotions, all of that — is the basis of the program. It gets right to the heart of the matter and explains that your thoughts are everything and that people aren’t taught how to think on purpose. Doing this (life coaching) is about being willing to work on your own stuff. 

Q. How do writing exercises help people process the trauma and break out of circular negative patterns?

A. I don’t know the science behind it. All I know is for me, when I started blogging, a door sort of opened up for me — when you’re not aware of the thoughts that are constantly racing and when you take the time to write them down on paper, you get the opportunity to see what’s in there. It’s the first step toward awareness. There’s a quote I really like by Brené Brown in her latest book, “Rising Strong.” She says, “Creating is the act of paying attention to our experiences and connecting the dots so we can learn more about ourselves and the world around us.” 

Q. You’re not a therapist. You’re a writer. Why should women trust that you can help them deal with this psychologically stressful, emotional issue in their lives?

A. I like to work with women who have already done counseling and therapy and it’s not going to be a big surprise: “Oh my God, (it’s about) my mother!” I’m not a therapist; it’s not like we’re going to process all of your past, it’s about moving forward. Where do you want to go now that you know (this relationship) has been a problem for you? And the fact that I’ve been there and done that is really important. 

Q. Can a person still achieve healing in a mother-daughter relationship after the mother has died?

A. Because it’s really about making peace with yourself. Because it’s going to happen in your head. And even if your mother is alive and you’re not talking to her, she doesn’t have to participate for you to feel better. 

Q. How has doing this work and writing this book changed your relationship with your mother today?

A. It’s been huge for me — not being the reactive angry daughter, but being the strong, compassionate daughter who handles herself in a way I respect. I respect myself. Even though we’re not seeing each other or talking to each other very much, I don’t need her to do anything or say anything for me to feel peace. The freedom is she gets to be exactly who she is and I get to be exactly who I am. I no longer need her approval. 

Q. Is there anything you’d like to add?

A. Yes. Let’s stop making this a taboo conversation and then we can have it in a healthy way, not a blaming way … without guilt. 

“The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide” by Karen C.L. Anderson (The Difference Press) is $14.95, softcover, and available on Amazon.com. or can be ordered through your local bookstore. Anderson is available to facilitate “Peaceful Daughter” book discussions. If you’re interested in hosting such an event, send her an email at karen@kclanderson.com.