I am privileged to receive press releases on all sorts of topics from all kinds of publicists. As such, even though Public Safety and Parenting aren’t remotely in my professional bailiwick, and my wife and I don’t have children for all the right reasons — “Kid,” sayeth I, “if you’re gonna drink malt liquor before noon, try Old Cheetah, it’s easier on the liver” — it’s that time of year when I’m inundated with safety tips for the Halloween season.

And why not? It’s not the Dead we worry about, after all, it’s the Living. Having said that, I do believe that most of the Halloween safety information I receive is pretty obvious no matter how well-intended. For example, here are a few recent well-meaning tips I’ve seen:

1. “Small children should never carve pumpkins. Children can draw a face with markers and then parents can do the cutting.”

My thought: Most kids can’t draw worth a damn. I suspect even if one of the parents is a surgeon, trying to carve a child’s skewed perspective or downright incomprehensible design will drive Mom and Dad to the martini pitcher.

2. “If a sword, cane or stick is part of your child’s costume, make sure it is not long or sharp.”

My thought: As long as we’re being “safe,” I hope the sword is fake. Also, what sort of costume uses “a stick”? If someone shows up at my door on All Hallow’s Eve with a stick — which he or she could presumably have found on my lawn — my treat for them is a moldy marshmallow.

3. “Kids will be kids. Explain to children of all ages the difference between ‘tricks’ and ‘vandalism.’”

My thought: Whoa! I’m not sure you need to plant a “worst-case scenario” in a frisky trick-or-treater’s mind about vandalism. “Little Henry, it’s okay to throw a water balloon, but you probably don’t want to conduct a Black Mass in Mr. Taylor’s front yard.” You might as well say, “Little Henry, here’s an instruction manual on Satanic rituals, a sacrificial goat and, oh, yeah, Mr. Taylor lives at 413 Green Hill Lane.”

4. “A good meal prior to parties and trick-or-treating will discourage youngsters from filling up on Halloween candy.”

My thought: Are you out of your mind?! Screw a bunch of steamed vegetables! Why do we celebrate Halloween? CANDY, that’s why! The child can eat your stinkin’ broccoli on Nov. 1.

5. “A responsible adult should always accompany young children on their neighborhood rounds.”

My thought: Really? “Responsible” is a good idea? Jeez, I wish I’d thought of that before I let Little Cathy go trick-or-treating with Uncle John Wayne Gacy.