A slight vibration riffled the cropped grass of the graveyard. A sudden breeze? In a moment, the disturbance grew to an actual shaking sensation on the ground’s surface — the sort Californians presumably associate with a minor earthquake. WAS it a minor earthquake? Or ... oh my God! The earth atop one specific cemetery plot — and one only — was churning and fracturing before my horrified eyes! Could this be possible?

Then it hit me and it all made sense.

Patrick Swayze was turning over in his grave.

Y’see, some heretic named Gary Barber, the CEO of the Metro-Goldwyn-Meyer movie folks, has approved a remake of the immortal film “Roadhouse.” Not only that, but this blasphemy will star UFC bantam weight champion Rhonda Rousey in the role inimitably played by Swayze. Stop the madness now!*

Or, if Barber persists, he might as well continue to massage his ego in similarly ludicrous fashion. Let’s hope he commissions the following remakes:

1. “The Godfather” — starring Gilbert Gottfried as “Vito Corleone” and Kayne West as “Fredo.”

2. “Jaws”— starring Sarah Silverman in the “Quint” role and with Larry the Cable Guy as “Matt Hooper.”

3. “To Kill a Mockingbird” — featuring Honey Boo Boo as “Scout” and Kentucky county clerk Kim Davis as a transgendered “Atticus.”

4. “The Seventh Seal” — director Ingmar Bergman originally envisioned this as an animated work, so the casting now calls for Barney Rubble as “Death” and Jonny Quest instead of Max von Sydow as “Antonio.”

5. The “Dirty Harry” series — with Justin Bieber in for Clint Eastwood.

6. “Platoon” as a musical — with an all-female cast boasting Ke$ha in the Tom Berenger/“Sgt. Barnes” part and Ariana Grande doing Willem Dafoe’s “Sgt. Elias.” Oh, and Miley Cyrus gets fragged by the entire cast — and that’s not part of the script. She’s not even in the movie. She was just passing by and the whole company instinctively opened fire simultaneously.

* Yes, I’m agonizingly aware that the already-completed remake of “Point Break” will open this December. Sigh ... It’s feloniously self-entitled for someone to think they could actually out-stink the original “Point Break,” in which Keanu Reeves turned in the worst acting performance in world history. and yet ...