For the last four or five days, local papers and news broadcasts have been fairly bursting — like a pin-jabbed tick feasting on a country hog — with blizzard stories and forecasts. Social media has fairly throbbed — like prison corridor light bulbs during a botched electrocution — with speculative or apprehensive or devil-may-care “let’s stock up at the liquor store” posts.

Well, as you read this, it’s Saturday. D-Day. Or, Snow Day. Only time and Old Man Winter will tell how bad it’s gonna be.

The thing is, we’ve all been through this before — just last year, in fact, when a weeks-long processional of snow and ice was so protracted that, in fact, hell DID freeze over.

Why then, must we be subjected to the same weary print and broadcast stories — some of which in the past, admittedly, have been penned by me? You know what I mean: solemnly-toned accounts of folks racing around — like chickens who’ve somehow reattached their previously cut-off heads — buying pallet loads of generators, water, snacks, shovels, snow blowers, salt, canned goods, space heaters, Arctic explorer gear, candles, hot chocolate and first-aid kits.

Well, I decided to add something fresh and entertaining to the fray. This is why my Friday “emergency shopping” errands at grocery, hardware, convenience and specialty stores included the following purchases:

1. Three lawn mowers. (“Never too early to plan for a lush summer,” I told the Home Depot man.)

2. Speedo briefs and a shimmeringly patterned Hawaiian shirt. (“If you act warm, you ARE warm,” I told the clerk at Target, who appeared to throw up in her mouth.)

3. A flamethrower. (“A lot quicker than shoveling,” I chirped to the clerk at the Army Navy store.)

4. Grenades and an AK47. (“If it’s as bad as they say, we as a civilization could descend into total anarchy,” I intoned to the weapons dealer down the block, my eyes twitching ominously. He appeared not to notice, so ominously were his own eyes twitching.)

5. Thirty-six bags of ice at four different Henny Penny locations. (“Just worried it won’t be cold enough in the house.”)