It hasn’t been that long ago — and my wife will be quick to verify this — that I could watch virtually every game in a Red Sox season. But watching sports has lost its appeal. I remember my father, in the purplish twilight of his time on this planet, saying to me, “Richard, I dunno ... Nothing really interests me anymore.”

That’s sorta chilling and has always stayed with me, and I wondered if my sporty malaise was indicative of some biological and cerebral rot — and then it hit me what the problem is.

I simply can no longer tolerate seeing fans who creep behind an on-field or on-court player interview — or who spy a camera pointed in their section mid-game — and feel compelled to wave madly or make comical faces.

I mean, why?! Is YOUR wave or comical face somehow different than the millions of Fan Waves or Fan Comical Faces of History — all of which presumably irritated YOU when you saw them on your television. Is there something genetically irresistible — something primordially undeniable — so that when YOU see a camera pointed, you instinctively react and think, “Hey! I, too, can wave or do my patented Ape Face and viewers will see me and respond favorably!” Well, I did a little research and here are some things I found.

1. Excerpt from B.F. Skinner’s notebook whilst refining his theory of operant behavior: “I was at a Pirates game last week and, when a long foul pop landed a few rows in front of me, I spotted a cameraman filming the exuberant fellow who caught the ball. Without quite realizing I’d done so, I found myself waving both arms madly overhead, like a shipwrecked sailor trying to attract the attention of a distant helicopter. I think people liked it.”

2. Leaked from a white-paper analysis commissioned by a top actors and models agency: “Most of our scouts view thousands of hours of sports videos weekly, hoping to find the ‘next big thing’ from amongst the seemingly limitless pool of superior-looking beings who wave at the camera.”

3. From an unpublished memoir by Theodore Roosevelt: “As for nominating Oliver Wendell Holmes to the U.S. Supreme Court, it was an easy decision. At public ceremonies, Holmes often distracts from the honoree by creeping up from behind and making what I like to call his ‘comical ape face.’ I think this speaks volumes about his capabilities as a legal scholar.”