Rick's List - Axe Man Edition
By the time you read this, the world will probably know the identity of the 38-year-old fella who parked his car earlier this week outside the Kiss 108 radio station in Medford, Mass., brandishing an axe and in possession of other sharp weapons and tools, he wanted to hear "My Axe," a song by rap duo Insane Clown Posse.
It's said that Kierkegaard's brain spun off so many thoughts and ideas and aphorisms that he couldn't physically keep up and write them all down. I'm certainly no philosopher — unless you'd like to hear my cogitations on why potato chips are history's most noble invention — but, upon hearing about Axe Man, I knew what it must've been like for Kierkegaard. So many immediate observations!
1. Why are so many radio stations called Kiss (followed by whatever their dial numbers are)?
2. Kiss 108's playlist shows Top 40 fare by artists such as Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga, Jay-Z, Ed Sheeran and so on. Why the hell would Axe Man believe Kiss 108 would have any Insane Clown Posse on hand? If instead Axe Man had gone to a radio station with a format that included Insane Clown Posse, he probably wouldn't have needed an axe.
3. Maybe his car didn't have enough gas, but Axe Man coulda driven to Charleston, Ill., and visited an actual classic rock radio station called The Axe 92.1 FM. "I brought an axe to The Axe to ax 'em to play 'My Axe,'" he could have quipped. Police would still have arrested him, but a good laugh would have been enjoyed by all.
4. I think this "threatening as motif" concept might have legs.
a. Intimidate the waitress at Sonic by throwing huge potatoes at her as you demand an order of tater tots.
b. Approach the local multiplex with a projector and request free popcorn for life or you'll stand outside the cinema and conduct nightly Keanu Reeves film festivals.
c. Wag a mashie niblick at the club pro until he provides a free "fairway irons" lesson.
d. Charge the nearest Home Depot with a jam box and inform the customer service folks that, if they don't give you a free sharp-edged tool, you'll play either "My Axe" by Insane Clown Posse or "Cuts Like a Knife" by Bryan Adams or something by Molly Hatchett or "Scalpel" by Alice in Chains or a tune by the Scissor Sisters or Slayer's "Die by the Sword" or Amanda Palmer's "Machete" or a song by Jules Schear.
5. Until all this happened, I'd blissfully forgotten how much Insane Clown Posse sucks.
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