I was at lunch the other day at Wendy's — giving the wait staff at Bar Americain a bit of a break from my admittedly rude daily visits where I consume Duck Confit with Sour Cherries and Brandy Sauce ($35) and then leave a 75-cent tip — and a crew of guys came in to order Baconators. All were wearing identical T-shirts with a large corporate logo printed front and back: It was something like "Burly Doug's Heavy Equipment Company."

Later, at the pharmacy, a sweaty and grimy fellow was in line ahead of me. His stained T-shirt, with the sleeves ripped off to allow for more free-range movement of his massive arms, proclaimed "Ugly Chet's Tree Service."

And, finally, on the way home, I drove past a hair-stylist collective called the Jean-Carlos Salon, and it was next to an curios/gift shop called Le Petite Hare because you don't walk into something called Le Petite Hare and expect to buy guns.

Obviously, these are fake names, but they COULD be real because businesses are named specifically to provide the proper image to the consumer. Yes, know: Marketing is all. But I think it's lazy for businessmen AND consumers to calmly buy into these constructs. We are all made more comfortable and secure by the idea that, for example, our exterminator is called "Bug-Punisher" rather than "Ticks Buh-bye — Your Humane Insect Redistributor." Personally, I'm not sure a kind and gentle pest control company will in fact slaughter all the little bastards in the fashion they deserve.

Similarly, I'm perfectly confident if we unclog the drains by hiring Fat Smelly Bruno's Plumbing. That name implies that Bruno and his helpers aren't afraid to get down and funky if the situation requires it.

But I wondered: why does it always have to be a "Pierre-Luc Maldonado" wielding the styling gel as opposed to unclogging toilets? Why don't we see our glamorous citizenry paying $300 to get their sultry tresses nuanced at a place called Greasy Augie's Hair Spa instead of just assuming Greasy Augie replaces carbuerators? 

I therefore call upon all visionary small business owners to christen their enterprises with less-stereotypical names, and I would in a heartbeat patronize any of the following:

1. The Foul Sewer — Potpourri and Mood-Candles

2. Crackhead Annie's Homeopathic Wellness Center

3. Dr. Randolph "Shakes" Cuckmeeker, Neurosurgeon

4. Michael Vick Doggie Daycare (But Not THAT Michael Vick)

5. Seeping Liver Fine Wine & Single Malt Scotch

6. The Wispy Poet — A Mixed Martial Arts Training Boutique

7. Madoff Financial Planning

8. Army/Navy Store and Florist

9. Hooters Casket Retailer

10. The Twinkle-Eyed Kitten — a Biker Bar

11. CDC Infectious Disease Lab and Sandwich Shop