Sitting in a bar in the Baltimore airport last week, I ordered another beer because — since this is me we're talking about — my flight to Providence had been delayed three hours. It had already been a long day, starting with a pre-dawn Super Shuttle ride to the Denver airport. Oh, hell, let's just go through my woes:

1. I paid extra for Shuttle Service that guaranteed no additional stops — not because I'm a misanthrope who tries to avoid any interaction with humans (although I am) — but because I wasn't sure about the timing of the check-in and security procedures, particularly since I had a bomb in my backpack.

2. Just kidding — about the misanthrope part.

3. Anyway, there was a woman passenger already on the Shuttle. For those of you of a certain age, she looked a lot like matriarch Kate on "Petticoat Junction." We were the only two customers, so I moved to the back of the van and opened my book in an attempt to thwart conversation. You can probably guess what happened.

4. "Kate" must have had a checklist of every annoying passenger conversational cliché, and she hit them all with the accuracy of an Olympic archer.

A. Recent medical snafus

B. Ungrateful relatives (she was on her way to help with a new screaming grandchild)

C. Did I agree that Schopenhauer was the architect of pessimistic existentialism?

5. Of course she didn't say that last one.

6. Did you know that, on average, there are 375 flights departing Denver daily?

7. Yep, and Kate was on my freakin' flight to Baltimore.

8. I hid in a lounge, where, believe it or not, I heard Humble Pie's entire eight-minute live version of "I Don't Need No Doctor" — this was a good thing! — and sneaked onto the plane at the last moment. Never saw Kate again.

9. Back to the lounge in Baltmore and the three-hour (six-beer) delay. I was watching "Sports Center" and saw a quote from Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton, reacting negatively to his coaches wanting him to stay in the pocket rather than risk injury by running. This, apparently, is counter to his athletic instincts. He said, "You gonna expect a lion not to roar?"

10. I found his metaphorical choice of beast revealing in its casual Boast Factor. This is the difference between me and Cam. In a similar situation, I'd have said of myself:

A. "You gonna expect a sick mouse to crawl in the corner and vomit his own entrails?" Or, better:

B. "You gonna expect the tired old fat guy to be greeted on the Super Shuttle by Kate?"