Now that it's medically incontrovertible that humans have measurably shorter attention spans, is it even biologically possible to make New Year's resolutions? Should we instead make new month's resolutions? Or perhaps lists of "Stuff I hope to accomplish by lunch if I don't get bogged down in Tweetery or trying to absorb the latest data in the world's e'er-nine-second-news-cycle-update?"

Hell, I'm old, so of course I'm going to make New Year's resolutions!

And with each new calendar, I try to come up with a different approach to what is admittedly a stupid front-loaded concept. After all, the idea of New Year's resolutions originated with smug rich people years ago. They simply had their own servants perform resolution tasks in their stead, knowing full well the rest of us, without money or help, would soon give up, suffering low self-esteem and an impulse to become butlers.

Anyway, in 2017, I came up with the idea of setting incredibly low resolution standards. I vowed to eat a grape each day, to walk across the street from my house and then return, and also to try to breathe air.

Other than the breathing part, which I discovered is an inherent function of life, I failed miserably. Grapes are stupid. And the view of my own house from across the street? Well, we just had the damned thing painted — and fulfilling my resolution only confirmed, each day, a growing conviction that, "Boy, is THAT the wrong color!"

As such, I'm going in the opposite direction for 2018. I'm setting goals that no one can hope to possibly achieve. I feel better already about these challenges, knowing I have no chance of success. By January 11, I'll be free of the resolutions burden. Herewith:

1. Okay, forget about just climbing Mount Everest. Instead, did you know there are over 250 bodies frozen there? People who died trying to make the summit or on their way down? Well, they won't be there any more. I'm gonna bring 'em all down. Yes, most of them are in the perhaps-not-cleverly-named "Death Zone" — which is to say over 26,000 feet — but no worries. I got this.

2. Did you know that Gaelic, Navajo and Icelandic are three of the hardest languages to learn? Consider this, then: In 1982,  Ian Hideo Levy won the National Book Award for his translation into English of "The Ten Thousand Leaves: The Man'Yoshu, Japan's Premier Anthology of Classical Poetry." In 2018, then, I will translate "The Ten Thousand Leaves" into Gaelic, Navajo and Icelandic. And maybe Hungarian if I'm not too sleepy.

3. I will walk across the street every day and NOT look at the color of my house.