DEAR CAROLYN:

A friend agreed to keep my pet for a couple of weeks while I was away this past summer. I gave her a check when I left and another when I returned. There was no agreement on a charge for her services; I offered the money simply because I appreciated her help.

When I handed her the second check, I told her I had postdated it by three days to ensure that sufficient funds were in my account to cover it.

I was very surprised to learn shortly thereafter that she cashed the check ahead of the date, and the bank charged me $175 for the resulting overdrafts.

I told this woman what had happened. Her response: She hadn't heard me ask her to hold the check, and she hadn't noticed the date on the check. She said she was really sorry about the overdraft fees I had paid.

I have reason to believe she was not truthful with me - that she did hear me but cashed the check anyway because she needed the money. I can't be sure, though.

Even if she WAS truthful, her mistake cost me $175, and she apparently feels no responsibility for sharing that expense.

This woman is in a group that meets in my home.

Because of this incident and another - her attitude toward which has caused dissension in the group - I really do not want to continue to invite her into my home. I no longer feel I can trust her. I could be missing something. I could be wrong. What do you think?

- Anonymous

I think you got a $175 education in the hazards of postdating checks.

Regardless of your friend's trustworthiness, you set yourself up; you handed off control of your account balance to someone else, when you just as easily could have told your friend you'd be mailing her a thank-you check.

As it stands, unless she heard your warning and consciously chose to ignore it, she has zero responsibility for sharing the overdraft expense.

And since you have no way of confirming that your friend lied to you, you can't bounce her (owwwww) from your group for this incident alone.

You might well be justified in kicking her out based on the other incident, whatever that was, if her behavior was bad enough - but, then, if her behavior was so bad, your counting on her to watch your pet becomes suspect.

Let's say she really did something awful. Then I'd have to wonder why you accepted the help of a friend you didn't necessarily like or trust, since that's dangerously close to exploiting the friendship.

Let's say instead that she did something fishy, along the same lines as depositing your check prematurely. In that case, you'd have two fishy but hard-to-prove cases against her - and kicking her out based on that doesn't seem fair, does it?

It may be there's a lot of history you've left out, and the overdrafts are a legitimate last straw. If that's the case, then, do with the friendship what you feel you must. As you presented it here, though, it at least appears as if you're angry about the money, and eager to find some other way to make her pay.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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