Adapted from a recent online discussion.

On explaining one's divorce to a date, continued from Monday.

DEAR CAROLYN:

When my now-longtime-boyfriend was describing his divorce to me, I found that the actual story wasn't as important to me as the way he talked about his marriage and his ex-wife. I felt ready to proceed with him because he showed neither longing nor anger. He expressed regret, but he was quite even in tone when he talked about the mistakes each had made.

- Anonymous

I like it, thanks.

RE: DIVORCE STORY:

Blameless excuse for a divorce: My spouse decided s/he was gay.

- D.C.

I thought of that, but it still opens the door to "How on earth did you not notice that?" inquiries. A prospective mate may legitimately question that, as long as the approach is compassionate.

RE: DIVORCE:

My husband, also an artist, left me because he didn't know if he wanted to be married or in any relationship, but did know he wanted to be an artist. It was all very ambivalent.

It did a number on me. It's hard to be so deeply rejected. Even if it's technically not about you, or at least mostly not your fault, you are the person who's ended up rejected. It took a long time for me to realize it's not about me, and believing that is still a challenge. Without presuming, I'll say that is the bigger challenge: reconciling it with yourself in a way that's fair but kind to yourself - so you know who you are when dealing with other people. They can deal with it how they may.

- New York, N.Y.

The "reconciling it with yourself in a way that's fair but kind to yourself" aspect can apply to so many other things, not just divorce. It's a given that people screw up, but what we do with those mistakes is anything but a given.

One of the main elements is the way people take responsibility. If we don't, and instead shift blame to others for our mistakes, then that betrays immaturity. That should be a blaring alarm for anyone looking to get into a relationship with such a person.

As it happens, though, there are also those who are intolerant of frailty and aren't interested in people who have made big mistakes - they fancy themselves as hard to get, hard to impress, etc. And they often buy the stories of blame.

Think about it - haven't we all heard someone say, "His ex was a total psycho"? That's immaturity finding immaturity and declaring that true love between superior specimens is born. (Pity the people who have to listen to the tales of dysfunction that get told and retold by this couple, but never addressed ... )

There are also people who do assume blame - to the point of being all torn up about it, and angry at themselves. Taking too much blame is better than taking none at all, but still shows a person isn't healthy yet. This is where you hear "S/he was the best thing in my life, and I wrecked it." That's someone with growing up to do as well.

The last is the person who has learned, grown, healed, accepted limitations, made peace - what "New York" describes so well.

E-mail Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.

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