My Beef with Lady Gaga

Today I join PETA and all my animal-rights friends around the world in condemning Lady Gaga for wearing a dress made out of raw meat at the MTV Video Music Awards last weekend.

“Meat is the decomposing flesh of a tormented animal who didn’t want to die,” wrote PETA’s Ingrid Newkirk.  Uh…yeah, so take that, Gaga!

I’m just incensed that Lady Gaga would waste all that beef.  I would’ve eaten that!

Doesn’t she realize we could be facing another recession?  What kind of message does this send to all her young fans whose parents always try so hard to get them to clean their plates at suppertime?  And what about all the poor, starving children in China?!  Supposedly, her dress weighed 40 pounds.  Sally Struthers could have fed an entire village in Africa with that much meat!

It was also a rotten thing to do to Cher, poor thing.  Here’s Cher, standing there on stage in her big hair and see-through leotards, looking so ‘80s … or ‘70s … or ‘60s or whatever, so she can give Gaga her awards, and Gaga struts up there looking all hot and voluptuous showing off her tenderloins like that.  Do you have to rub it in, Gaga?  That Cher is a classy old lady, though—she still gave Gaga a hug even with that carcass on her back.

Lady Gaga said she wore the dress to show her support, somehow, for gay Americans who wish to serve openly in the military.  But couldn’t she have made the same point with tofu or some other soy product?  Bac-Os, even?

It might not be too late to fix this mess.  I heard somewhere that the dress would turn into jerky.  For the love of God, please, Lady Gaga, don’t let it go to waste!  We could send that to our troops overseas, closeted or not, about whom you care so much.

Just think of the cultural havoc that Lady Gaga is wreaking!  All those impressionable teenage girls who are gonna want to wear steak and pork chop gowns to their proms next spring thanks to her.  And just think of all the nervous fathers in America who already struggle to keep single-minded boys away from their little girls.  Imagine how worried sick they’ll be when their daughters leave the house smelling like bacon and teriyaki. 

It’s time for PETA to fight fire with fire.  Call up all those celebrity supermodels and reinvent its famous advertising campaign.  But this time, instead of “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur,” listen to me on this one:  “I’d Rather Go Naked Than Wear a Perfectly Good Roast Beef Sandwich.”  (Has it really come to this?)

PETA needs to get on K.T. Tunstall’s case too.  In one breath she claims to be a vegetarian, but in the next she’s telling people she doesn’t know what the big deal is, that suddenly she sees if Lady Gaga wears meat, it’s no different than people wearing leather jackets.  Tell that to the helpless little calves whose mamas Lady Gaga sent to the tailor’s last week, K.T.!  Who’s going to feed them and nurture them while they grow into veal?

These rock stars are steering our society straight into the gutter, I’m telling you.  And I’ll tell you something else—it all started when that Bjork wore that swan dress back in ’01 and they let her get away with it.  Where was PETA then?  Where was America?  What else could we possibly have been worrying about?!


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