Washington — Students, parents, grandparents, anchor babies:

Thank you for welcoming me here today to give the long-awaited Trump University commencement address.

Mr. Trump is sorry he couldn’t be here today himself. As you may know, he’s busy fighting a judge who’s a hater of Donald Trump, biased, a total disgrace and, we believe, Mexican. Mr. Trump has handpicked me, however, to fill his big, actually slightly-smaller-than-large, shoes.

Mr. Trump has assured me that I won’t be protested and shouted off this stage, because you’re the only student body left in the country that doesn’t care about political correctness. The only “safe space” you want is one you can buy and flip for double your money. Am I right?

Besides, if you’ve learned just one thing from our wise founder, it’s that the way you deal with words you dislike is not to protest, but to sue.

So, let’s not be politically correct today. Let’s shoot from the hip, OK? Let’s talk about what you’ve learned here and the challenges you face as you re-enter this not-yet-great-again economy.

Because some of you are losers, particularly the ones suing me, you will probably confront constant failure in your life. Don’t let that get you down. Remember: Every time a wall goes up, a door opens. A big, beautiful door that lets the good ones back in from Mexico.

And think about the classmates you’ll be competing with out there.

I want you to look at the person to the left of you. Look at the person to the right of you. All three of you probably wasted your money in attending this vaunted institution.

Fortunately, there’s still hope to learn something useful: All three of you have been accepted into our new graduate program. The tuition is equal to the exact amount of each of your remaining bank account balances. Don’t worry, you’ll learn all about price discrimination in the next course.

And for those of you who choose not to continue your schooling, well, let’s just say you’re lucky Mr. Trump loves the poorly educated, too.

But seriously, let’s talk about our terrible American education system more broadly, and what Mr. Trump is doing to improve it now that his charitable work with Trump University LLC is almost complete.

Higher education in this country — with the exception of Trump University — is an embarrassment. We’re losing to China. We’re losing to Mexico. We just don’t win anymore when it comes to education.

OK, I know that, technically, the data show that at real universities — the ones that are actually accredited — we almost look like we’re winning. Some dummies might even mistake those schools for actually putting out a good product.

After all, education is one of the few sectors in which the United States is running a massive trade surplus with the rest of the world. That’s because there are three times as many foreign students studying here as there are American students studying abroad.

And yes, I know that when China sends 300,000 students to U.S. colleges, as it did last year, those students are typically not eligible for financial aid. Which means they end up cross-subsidizing the tuition paid by poor and middle-class American students, particularly as state appropriations continue to fall.

And yes, I know that the near-million international students who came here last year spent money on lots of U.S. products besides education.

But if there’s a second thing our institution’s wise founder has taught you, it’s to never let facts get in the way of a good story.

Which is why I’m proud to say that the prospect of a President Trump is already sending international students running for the hills, according to a recent survey of prospective students. Not only has Mr. Trump ruined your own finances through Trump University, he’s already begun doing his part to ruin the finances of real colleges, other U.S.-born college students and local economies, too.

And that’s all without disclosing his secret master plan for reforming higher education. Sounds like winning to me.

Speaking of winning, we’d love to know what you think of today’s address. In exchange for signing the pre-scored Better Business Bureau surveys under your seats, please collect a free bottle of Trump-brand self-tanner on your way out. (Remember, students: Screw sunscreen. Always wear self-tanner.)

Thank you, graduates. Mr. Trump is so proud of you. He asked me to leave you with one final word of advice. If you all will just write us one more check, I’d be happy to tell you what it is.