My pal Jim Spinnato is a hypnotist and a very good one. It's true that, when I volunteered to be a subject at one of his live shows, he was unable to hypnotize me — which is a shame because he convinced the other subjects they were witnessing leprechauns participating in an untamed orgy, and I think a nude leprechaun festival is something most of us would like to see. But I blame my cheesecloth brain for Jim's inability to put me under — not his estimable skill. My conscious and subconscious ... well, they don't operate at peak efficiency any more.

Anyway, what I'd like Jim to do would be hypnotize two specific, prominent figures whose every word, issued at their respective press conferences, are devoured by us Humble Masses. The thing is, as it exists currently, a press conference by New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick is an exercise in Snore-ness, while similar events with President Donald Trump are wild, hare-hops through fantasy and fibbery. If we could somehow arrange for Spinnato to work his magic so that Bill channeled Donald and vice-versa, we might have much-needed mirth:

1. Reporter: "President Trump, according to the Gun Violence Archive, the U.S. has had over 255 mass shootings in 2019. Any thoughts on background checks or red-flag legislation?"

Trump (via Bill): "Those shootings and the hundreds dead are the past. We're just looking ahead to next week in Buffalo."

Reporter (puzzled): "Is there a rally in Buffalo?"

Reporter #2: "Sir, earlier this week, you claimed you were the chosen one. Today, you announced a quote-unquote Holy War on Greenland and that you were changing the way the nation will henceforth spell recession to add an extra 'c' so it would look more balanced. Where is all this leading us?"

Trump: "Gronk is retired. Period."

2. Reporter: "Coach, Cleveland's got a resurgent offense with Mayfield, Beckham and Landry. Does that create an overload for your secondary schemes?"

Belichick (via Donald): "Well, Becker Mayfield isn't even an American citizen. He was born in Pakistan and is here illegally. Beckham is married to Colin Kaepernick — though we love the gays. And Tom Landry is dead. The Clintons had him killed in a D.C. pizza restaurant."

Reporter #2: "Coach, what's the game plan for those versatile Chargers?"

Belichick: "We have a beautiful plan. We had all the best people design it. You won't believe it. It's the football equivalent of a new nationwide health care proposal where everyone will be covered with beautiful efficiency. And on offense, Tom Brady will not be touched — our O-line is like a big, beautiful wall. Like the one we have on the southern border. That Mexico paid for."

3. Spinnato? Do this now!