Boy, the rapidly increasing negative reaction to author Jeanine Cummins and her novel "American Dirt" is a like a scenario designed by the organizers of a mixed-metaphor contest.

"Like a steamrolling tsunami of swarming hornets forming a tornado cone, the rising-tide avalanche of molten lava vitriol aimed at 'American Dirt' continued Tuesday when ..."

If somehow you haven't heard about it, "American Dirt" is the story of Lydia Quixano Pérez, a Mexican bookseller whose journalist husband has just been murdered by a drug cartel. She and her 8-year-old son Luca flee, hoping to make it to the U.S. even as they're chased by a vicious but literate cartel boss.

The pushback isn't particularly about whether "American Dirt" is a "good novel." The problem, apparently, is that Cummins is white (though one grandmother is Puerto Rican), and many really vicious critics believe she's guilty of cultural appropriation, stereotyping, and gross misrepresentations pertaining to the world she's writing about.

In this context, do you know what a very successful white author told me a few months ago? That, for his most recent young adult novels, the publisher provided "sensitivity reviewers" to advise the writer if he was veering dangerously toward possibly insulting a reader through any character or plot development. Maybe that's what Cummins needed! A sensitivity counselor!

The thing is, IT'S FICTION. Cummins made up "American Dirt." It's a tale that isn't real. That's what fiction writers do: invent stories. So my suggestion would be to those who are angry: Don't read it. Instead, spend your time writing your own authentically voiced novels. Or, for that matter, not authenically voiced. Publishers will buy it or they won't and people will read it or they won't.

Now. This is when you look at my column photo and say, "Well, of COURSE Koster would say that! He's a straight white guy about to smash into a stony wall of obsolescence called Social Security-eligible." (See horrible metaphors, above.)

"Why, way back in my day, we had to walk six miles through the snow to get to the mixed-metaphor store!"

Surprise time! Turns out I've been hired by a major motion picture company to serve as the "Sensitivity Advisor" for their slasher films division. Helluva gig! Here are a few of the strong recommendations I've already made for five slasher films in various stages of production:

1. "The poisonous gas leaked onto the senior prom dance floor: Why is it always teenagers getting slaughtered? Maybe have the toxic fumes come out of the steam tables in the cafeteria of an old folks' home? AARP members have been picketing the soundstage for 'Junior Prom Ice-Pick Massacre' and we should throw the codgers a bone."

2. "Does the Bolt Gun Maniac have to be a WASP? When will a Jewish fiend get to have some fun?"

3. "No prob that The Frat House Executioner electrocutes all the rich white dudes wearing blackface. But maybe have The Frat House Executioner also kill some rich white dudes wearing sombreros? We wanna make sure to convey that rich white dudes are equal-opportunity bigots." 

4. "Why do Becca and Janie have to be strangled in a women's restroom? Since their friend Sandi identifies as non-binary, couldn't they have shown a support for inclusiveness by having all three get carved to death in a unisex restroom?"

5. "Instead of a Mexican mother and son on the run from cartel maniacs? Make it a white female author on the run from an ax-wielding sensitivity editor."