Somehow, some Snowden wannabe hacked into my system and is threatening to expose excerpts from my private emails with a select group of correspondents I call "The Band of Brothers."

Frankly, it would be easy enough to simply pay the guy off. All the fiend wants is my 2007 Topps rookie card for Endy Chavez, a former major league outfielder who hit 30 career home runs in 13 seasons and played for nine different teams.

But I will not be extorted! Here's the material in question.

Excerpt #1

Eric: Rick, Father is insane. He literally wants me to do an interview on Fox and tell Jeanine Pirro that this virus is fake — that it's going to, and I quote, "magically vanish" after the election on November 3.

Me: Dude, I mean, it's your Dad. Is he a little goofy? Sure, but his is a harmless sort of quirky charm. Like if Opie Taylor cut Helen Crump's ears off and used them as bait down at the ol' fishing hole while Andy whistled that irritating theme song. My advice? Just do it. It's not like it's far-fetched that an infectious virus spread by respiratory droplets from person to person could just vanish.

Eric:  I guess you're right. But, also, the last time I was on, Jeanine asked why my teeth are the color of sauerkraut.

Excerpt #2

Jared: Rick, I'm frightened.

Me: Oh, no. What now?

Jared: Well, there's this magazine. It's called Time, right? I mean, it's not about watches or clocks or whatever. But, like, they asked me if I could guarantee the elections will happen on November 3.

Me: Don't worry about it. Neither you or your father-in-law can legally change the date of a federal election.

Jared: Um, too late. I already answered. I said, "I'm not sure I can commit one way or the other, but right now that's the plan."

Me: You SAID THAT?!

Jared: I know, I KNOW. Rick, you know how I get when I'm flustered. I'll say anything. Truth told, I'm basically a significant moron. The thing is, if we DO change the election date, and Eric has already guaranteed the virus will vanish on November 4 — what if the virus DOESN'T vanish that day? We'll look pretty bad.

Me: Whenever the virus vanishes — and it will — just say PRESTO! and people will think YOU did it.

Jared: That is so cool! I like magic tricks. Maybe you can show me that coin-out-of-the-ear thing.

Excerpt #3

Mango Head: Rick, how do I pronounce a hard word to pronounce? I'll spell it for you. H-Y-D-R-O — Wait, I lost my train of thought.

Me: No worries. You're asking about hydroxychloroquine, right? Click on the attached sound file.

Mango Head: You did it! Thanks! See, I have to lie and tell people I take it and that the world is safe. It might sound weird if I can't pronounce it.

Excerpt #4

Don, Jr.: Rick, I'm likeable, right? I'm a good man, right? And I'm the best big game-slaughterer the world has ever known, right?

Me: Yes.

Excerpt #5

Barron: This place is owl-house crazy. Can I just run away and join the circus?

Me: I hate to break it to you, kid. You're already there.