As we begin a new year, it’s a good time to take a look at our most important relationships. What do you want them to be like in 2018? Would you like to be happier? To feel more connected? To get out of a relationship rut? Sometimes, just changing your thinking can make a big difference.

Research has shown that people are more likely to pay attention to negative things than to positive ones. It’s been theorized that this “negativity bias” serves an evolutionary function by helping us defend ourselves from threats.

If you see something that might be a bear, you go on high alert. If it turns out to be a rock, your heart may be pounding unnecessarily, but you’re safe. If you think it’s a rock but it turns out to be a bear, you might be dead. No wonder we evolved to notice possible problems.

Unfortunately, what helps keep us safe in a potentially dangerous world can cause problems in our intimate relationships. When we notice the annoying things about our partners more than the positives, we can create a downward spiral that damages our ability to connect.

In my therapy office, clients often apologize for swearing. I tell them I don’t mind; I’ve heard all those words before, and sometimes we need them to convey the intensity of an emotion. However, there are two words I try to ban: “always” and “never.”

That’s because most of the time people use them to complain: “She’s always late,” or “He never does the dishes.” This takes what is probably a reasonable complaint and makes it a permanent feature of the partner. It overlooks the times when she isn’t late or he does do the dishes.

That’s powerfully demotivating to the partner. If the times he or she made an effort disappear into “always” or “never,” why even try?

It also puts a negative spin on the relationship. Your partner’s flaws seem bigger. The irritations, which may be small in the scheme of things, overshadow the positives you take for granted.

Another major stumbling block for some couples is assuming their partner is doing annoying things intentionally. When something doesn’t go well, not only are you mad about the something, but you’re even madder because it was “on purpose.”

There are some cases in which partners actively try to irritate each other. (If that’s you, please get couples therapy to break that miserable cycle!) But much more often, your partner forgot to buy milk not to piss you off, but because he got distracted by other things. Or she asked whether you paid the bills not because she thinks you’re an irresponsible moron who needs to be reminded, but because she feels calmer knowing they’re done.

If you take things personally and assume your partner is trying to hurt you, you’ll likely growl. That causes your partner to lash back … and there goes the evening.

Instead, when you’re irritated, assume positive intent.

Remind yourself that your sweetie means well. Was she making an effort? Did he get it partly right? Is she trying to achieve the same goal you want, just a different way?

What (neutral or positive things) might be going on? There are almost always other variables in the mix.

We can’t control everything in this world, and we won’t always get along with our partners. But one thing we can control is the frame through which we look at our relationships.

When you give the benefit of the doubt and focus on good intentions, you create a positive spiral that makes everything go better.

Do you have a question about relationships or family life? Send your question to l.howard@theday.com, and we’ll consider it for a future column.

Small tweaks for happy relationships

Try a few small tweaks to keep you and your partner happy.

Watch out for negativity bias. Remember that you might be noticing negative things more than they deserve.

Make a list of the things your sweetie does right most of the time: things he or she is reliable about; tasks that get done without you having to think about them; kindnesses; ways he or she is there for you—all the sorts of things you might be taking for granted. Put the list somewhere you'll see it regularly.

Give the benefit of the doubt. If your partner says or does something that upsets you, don't assume it was intentional. What else could have been going on for him or her? Might he or she have meant well, even if it came off badly?

Give credit for effort. If your partner folds the laundry for a change, thank her (even if the folding isn't the way you like). If he remembers to text that he's running late, appreciate that. Change is incremental; notice and thank your partner for efforts that move things in the right direction.