When you tell or show your partner you love them, do they hear you? That is, do your words or actions get through, so your honey feels loved?

That may seem like a silly question, but it’s not. Sometimes you can do or say something loving and it doesn’t seem to make a difference. That’s frustrating. What gives?

It may be because there’s more than one way to say “I love you,” and different ways are meaningful to different people. In any couple, the two people’s preferred ways of showing and receiving love may not align. If they don’t, you can be missing each other’s loving intentions.

That’s why marriage therapists hear complaints like “Well, yeah, he does nice things for me, but he never says he loves me” or “She says she loves me, but she never wants to cuddle” or “He buys me things, but he never seems interested in what’s going on in my life.”

These people are making a sincere effort, but it’s not the form of effort that works for their partner.

Five ways to show love

In his influential book “The Five Love Languages,” couples counselor Gary Chapman identified five ways people like to give and receive love: words of affirmation, touch, quality time, gifts and acts of service.

Think about what makes you feel loved and how you usually express your love. Then think about what might be your partner’s preferred way of giving and receiving love.

Usually our preferences have roots in our childhoods: things our parents did that made us feel loved, or things they didn’t do but we wished they would.

Talk to your significant other about your different styles and how you each might be missing the mark. “I tend to ____, but now I’m thinking you might like me to ____.” “I appreciate how you ____, but I’d really love it if you ____.”

It’s helpful to add any ideas you have about how you came to have the love-language style you do.

“When my parents cuddled with me, it made me feel so happy and loved, and I wish we could do more of that.”

“I tried so hard to please my father, but he never said he was proud of me. Even now it means so much when someone says they’ve noticed and appreciate my efforts.”

By the way, there’s nothing wrong with any of this. Wanting to feel your partner’s love is normal and healthy, and whatever your preferred style is, it’s just fine. (And so is your partner’s, even if it’s different from yours.)

Words of affirmation

Most of us want our efforts to be noticed. But often, the things our partner does right get taken for granted. If your honey values words, try saying supportive or encouraging things like:

“Thank you for cooking a great meal/taking the trash out/doing that project.”

“You look great in that.”

“Have you had a tough day? How can I help?”

“You are really good at ____, and I’m proud of you.”

“I may not say it enough, but I appreciate your sense of humor/how wonderful you are with the kids/how you provide for our family/how you help keep me calm.”

In addition to saying things directly to your sweetie, you might text them, leave a note, or send a greeting card, any of which they can look back on later.

Quality time

The difference between plain ‘ol time and “quality time” is that with quality time, your attention is focused. You’re not half listening to your partner while also watching TV or checking emails.

This has become a major challenge in our connected, social-media world — which makes focused attention more needed and more impactful. If you love someone, show it by paying attention when they talk.

Make a point of spending quality time together, even 10 or 15 minutes, every day. Talk about the things that happened in each of your days that had emotional impact: anything frustrating, funny, puzzling, rewarding, etc.

Also plan larger blocks of time, like a dinner date or a weekend away.

The more digital the world gets, the more important our analog, in-real-life connection is with the ones we love.

Receiving gifts

If you’re not into gifts, you might not see what the big deal is. You might think they’re a waste of money.

You might feel stressed because you have no idea what to give. So, why bother?

Because if your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, they need physical representations of your love. Giving a gift shows that you thought of them and you made the effort to select, buy, or make it.

Gifts don’t have to be expensive. You might bring flowers from the grocery store or picked alongside the road; their favorite ice cream; a greeting card for no particular reason; or anything that relates to their hobby (a sketch pad? birdseed? fishing line?).

Acts of service

These are things you know your spouse would like you to do. Many acts of service are everyday things like cooking, vacuuming or taking out the recycling.

Some are bigger projects, like cleaning out the garage, making a special meal or building a bookshelf. Doing any of them makes your partner feel cared about.

One key is that no one should demand an act of service or criticize the other for not doing it; that feels bossy, not loving.

You can express your wishes and ask your partner about theirs. But the actual service should be done by choice, out of love.

Physical touch

Some people can take or leave touching; for others, it’s essential to feeling connected and loved. If being touched is important to your sweetie, find out which kinds of touch they like most.

Try a big hug when you get home; shoulder rubs; holding hands; dancing around the kitchen; sensual massage; and/or initiating sex (especially if you aren’t usually the one who does).

You’ll know you’re on the right track when your partner seems calmer, happier, and more loving in return.

There are so many ways to express your love. Trying new ones gives you the chance to be creative and connect more deeply with the one you love.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.