Holidays are a time to catch up with family, especially if you don’t see each other often. The catching-up can be wonderful — or uncomfortable. Well-intentioned questions can inadvertently put someone on the spot. For instance:

“Are you dating anyone? When are you going to settle down?”

“Why haven’t the two of you gotten engaged?”

“When are you going to have a baby?”

“Have you found a job yet?”

“What will you do after graduation?”

If you want to ask

It’s understandable to be curious about what’s going on with your family members, especially about big-picture things like jobs and relationships. Of course you’re interested; you care.

But it’s important to separate what you want to know — your goal — from what the other person wants to share. You don’t want to be pushy or make anyone uncomfortable, right? So, consider whether the topic you’re asking about may be sensitive.

Suppose your nephew has been dating someone for six years and they’re still not engaged. There may be a comfortable reason why not. Maybe they agree they’re not ready yet, or maybe they don’t intend to ever get married and they’re perfectly happy to tell you that.

Or, there may be a painful reason. Maybe they’ve been fighting a lot, or they’re not sure they’re right for each other, or one of them cheated. That’s very difficult to be reminded about, and they won’t want to talk about it at the holiday.

Same with whether a couple will have a baby. Maybe they’ve decided not to have kids and are content about that. But maybe they disagree about whether or when to have children. Maybe they’ve been struggling with infertility. Maybe they had a miscarriage last month. What you’re thinking of as a happy topic could be a very painful one.

It’s similarly unpleasant to be asked why you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend when you’re really sad about that, or to be put on the spot about finding a job when you’ve been struggling to find work.

Better ways to ask

Instead of a direct question that seems to demand an answer, ask broader, less specific questions. For instance:

“What’s going on in your life?”

“Do you have any sense yet of what you might want to do after graduation?”

“Anything new to update the family about?”

The other person will get what you’re trying to ask, but can more gracefully ease off the subject if it’s something they don’t want to discuss.

You can also make comments that invite, but don’t demand, conversation. Maybe:

“You and Morgan seem good together.”

“There must be a lot of things to think about senior year.”

You might ask about things other than major life events, topics that help you get to know your relative better. “What’s been interesting you lately?”

“What have you been reading/watching/playing these days?”

“I heard you took a trip to ____. What did you like about it? What surprised you?”

“What are you doing for fun?”

These questions can prompt interesting conversations and deepen your connection.

When on the spot

If part of you is dreading the prospect of nosy questions at the holidays, you can prepare how you want to respond. You can’t stop your relatives from asking, but there’s still a lot you can control about the situation.

Anticipate the tough questions and plan how to handle them.

Who is most likely to ask an in-your-face question? Is that person a mean-spirited gossip, or just someone who’s curious but clueless about how the question might affect you? Prepare accordingly.

If Aunt Marge is notorious for asking none-of-her-business questions, enlist a sibling or cousin to distract her, jump into the conversation or otherwise take you off the hot seat. Try to avoid sitting next to someone whose probing can be pushy.

If you’ve recently gone through something particularly awkward or painful (like a breakup, a miscarriage, or a job loss), you might put the word out ahead of time. Ask someone close to you to spread the word, as vaguely or as specifically as you like — and to tell people you’d really, really rather not talk about it, so please don’t ask.

Most people will respect your feelings.

Try graceful avoidance techniques. You don’t have to talk about things you’re not ready to share, but try to avoid being rude.

Prepare truthful but undetailed replies (“We’re considering our options” or “That’s still a work in progress”), or joking, gentle non-answers (“I wondered if you’d ask…” or “Aunt Suzy, you’re always so curious. May I get you a coffee?”).

Find ways to change the subject. Ask your questioner something about their life, or comment on the food or weather. Or use the question as a springboard to something you’re more comfortable talking about: “I’m still working on the job thing, but I’m excited about my courses next semester” or “Have you seen pictures of our apartment? We got a new couch.”

Escape to the kitchen or bathroom. There’s usually a lot going on at holidays, which gives you a chance to move away from a persistent questioner. “I think my mom needs help in the kitchen,” or “Excuse me, but I was just about to check on something in the oven,” or “Oh, it looks like Uncle Joe needs a hand with that box.”

Keep your emotions in line. Try to avoid feeling hurt or insecure. If you’re struggling with a situation, that can be hard. But stuff happens in everyone’s life. Just because you’re in a painful place right now doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.

Also, don’t get mad. Even if someone “should know better” than to ask something, don’t take their head off. Not only does that ruin the holiday for everyone, it also makes it more likely that the whole family will keep talking about your situation — the exact opposite of what you’re going for.

Instead of being reactive, try to be philosophical and un-defensive. Remind yourself that the person is likely asking out of genuine care and curiosity, not to make you feel bad. (And if the person is trying to make you feel bad, that means they’re a jerk and not worth getting upset about.)

In this family together

Family life is always a balancing act between connection and respecting privacy. You and your relative may want different amounts of communication, and that’s okay. It’s okay to be curious (but not pushy); it’s okay to keep things private (but not to be rude). Do your part to keep kindness, consideration and love the focus of every holiday gathering.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.