New relationships are fun and exciting. Your sweetie is just awesome, maybe even close to perfect.

Over time, of course, you settle into a less idealized, more realistic relationship. Couples who’ve been together a long time see more of each other’s flaws. Things that might have been kind of cute at first become annoying. Demands of everyday life get bigger. Over time, you may find yourself arguing more or growing distant.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Although any long-term relationship has more reality and less stardust in it, you can develop a deeper connection. There are steps you can take to keep conflict to a minimum and keep your connection strong.

Comment on the positives

It’s very easy to take for granted the good things about your partner and be irritated about the annoying things. Because the annoying things are in your face, right?

So, step back a minute. Sure, your partner may leave the bathroom sink a mess. But are they also a kind person, responsible with money, or helpful with household projects? Maybe they procrastinate on everything … but they’re patient with the kids, always make you laugh and do the dishes every night without being asked.

What are the good things your sweetie does that have become part of the background? What are you taking for granted?

Comment on those good things. Thank your partner. When the petty irritations start to get to you, remind yourself of the wonderful things, too.

You may still want to address problem areas, but you’ll be able to do it more calmly and lovingly, which means your partner will be better able to hear you.

Give the benefit of the doubt

When there’s tension between you and your partner, it’s easy to assume you know why your partner did something that made you mad. “He knows that bugs me and did it to tick me off,” or “She obviously values her friends more than me.”

The problem is that you may be wrong. Plus, the negative assumption you’re making about motivations escalates your negative reaction. That makes it more likely you’ll address the situation in a way that puts your partner on the defensive.

If possible, try to think of positive or neutral reasons your partner might have messed up. Suppose your honey was late getting home and didn’t let you know. “Maybe their boss stopped them on the way out the door,” “Maybe her friend was having a crisis,” “Maybe they stopped at the grocery store because we’re low on milk,” or “Maybe his cell phone was out of charge.”

You may not guess correctly about the reasons, but considering less-annoying possibilities makes you less likely to go on the attack and more likely to think of possible solutions. Giving the benefit of the doubt lets you focus on solving the problem rather than getting stuck in negative feelings.

Stay in touch — literally

When lives get busy, couples often stop making time for cuddling and physical intimacy. But affection and sex are important for keeping partners connected.

We’re mammals; we evolved to thrive on touch with those close to us. So sit next to each other on the couch in the evening; give a real hug and kiss when you get home; and go to bed early enough some nights, together, so you have energy for getting frisky or exchanging massages.

Figure out the ways your partner likes to be touched, and do it.

Keep having fun together

Far too often in my therapy practice, I see couples whose life together is distant or full of arguments because everything in their relationship has become work. There is a lot of work in most couples’ lives: jobs, kids, keeping the household running. But that shouldn’t be all there is.

You need to maintain reserves of positive emotion to help you through the inevitable bumpy patches. One of the best ways to do that is having fun together, and at least some of the time it should be just the two of you.

What counts as “fun” can be anything you both enjoy: a shared hobby, going dancing, watching movies (especially funny ones), sex, writing each other silly or loving notes, having a pillow fight, or anything else that makes you laugh and/or feel connected.

Get help making tweaks

If the two of you tend to disagree or bicker more than you’d like, here’s something you might try. Sometime when things are calm, ask your partner: “If I could make one small change that would be helpful, what would it be?”

Ideally, both of you would ask the other for one little thing that’d be meaningful to you and not unrealistic for your partner.

What you’re looking for here isn’t big or complicated things; it’s got to be something small, doable and specific. It also has to be something you’re willing to do, even if it’s a little outside your comfort zone.

I often ask couples to do this exercise, and they come up with all sorts of things: “I’d really like if you gave me a hug when you get home from work.” “Please put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher before bed.” “Come sit with me on the couch for a half hour after the kids are settled.” “Text me anytime you’re going to be more than five minutes late.” “Can we make a rule that we don’t use devices at the dinner table?”

If you identify something that matters to your partner and follow through on it, your partner feels valued. They see you’re willing to listen and make changes, which can start a positive spiral of good feelings in your relationship. For maximum impact, keep doing the positive thing and add more small changes each week.

Stay curious

The number-one thing I advise couples is to work at staying curious.

Sure, you know your partner really well, but there’s always more to learn. Interests change; people learn new things; they may react differently to a given person or situation now than they used to; they may understand something about the world or about themselves in a new way.

As your partner changes over the years, you want to continue to know and understand them, just as you want them to understand you. So ask what’s new in their world, what they’re thinking about the future, what they like and don’t like about their work, how their friendships are evolving.

Even better, ask what they think about the strengths and challenges of your relationship ‑ and listen with an open heart and open mind. You don’t have to agree, but be curious about their perspective and what matters to them.

This is the one you love; show your love by being truly interested in them.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.