When children are babies, we have to do everything for them. When they’re adults, they should be fully independent. Getting from one to the other takes a lot of years, a lot of love, and a lot of teaching.

Some teaching we do almost without thinking about it. Of course you teach your child how to use a spoon, say “please,” and take turns. They have to learn how to function in society. You likely also teach them things like how to recognize letters, put away their toys, kick a ball, and ride a bike.

But there are other things kids need to learn that maybe aren’t so obvious. Many parents keep doing things for kids because it’s faster and easier, because kids are busy with school, homework, and activities, or because they haven’t given much thought to what kids’ll need to know later.

Unfortunately, this can leave kids at a disadvantage. They don’t acquire essential skills and they don’t develop the self-confidence that comes from knowing how to do things. That isn’t false confidence, like the kind that comes from fancy awards for participation. This is real, earned confidence that comes from competence. Kids experience being successful at tasks like chores and see that they’re contributing members of the household.

Waiting to learn life skills also makes the late-teen years more stressful for everyone. Before your kid goes off to college, the military, or their own apartment, they face a steep learning curve. It’s much easier to build their knowledge slowly over years, rather than cramming it into a couple months when they have a lot else on their minds.

Household tasks

Kids can do more than we give them credit for. A 6-year-old can sort dark from light laundry and fold towels, for instance. An 11-year-old can do their own laundry and some household linens.

Think of all the things that might come up in young adult life. For instance, they’ll need to know how to wash dishes, make a bed, sew on a button or fix a small tear, cook basic foods, and tidy up.

If these tasks become routine starting in middle school, each will be one less new thing your kid needs to learn when they’re heading off on their own.

Financial basics

It can seem easiest to just give kids money when they need it. But it’s much better for them to learn skills like planning, budgeting and saving starting at an young age.

Give kids a small allowance by the time they start elementary school. (Yes, they’ll probably blow their $2 on junk, but that teaches a wonderful lesson about delaying gratification and saving for something they really want.) Help them open a savings account and deposit part of their allowance or birthday money. The money may not amount to much, but you convey that saving is important.

By late high school, open a checking account in your and your child’s name. Start with a small amount, preferably from your child’s own earnings. They can practice using a debit card while you’re around to supervise. If possible, get your older teen a low-limit credit card, which they can use occasionally and practice paying off. That helps them build a credit rating, which is useful when they want to rent an apartment or buy a car down the road.

Time management

In high school, most of the day is structured. In college, there’s less class time and more unstructured time, so students need to figure out how to use their days. They need to wake themselves up, get to classes without anyone nudging them, and discipline themselves to get homework done with no one looking over their shoulder.

Make this personal responsibility transition a focus of your parenting all during high school. Point out to your young teen that college will be different and you want to help them get ready. When they do homework without nudging, praise their maturity and responsibility. Talk to teens about the temptations of college, including always having people around to hang out with, and encourage them to think about how they’ll make sure their work gets done.

Maybe the biggest opportunity for parents is making kids responsible for getting themselves up in the morning. If you’re in your kid’s room repeatedly waking them and nagging them to get moving, you’re adding stress to your own life and making it harder for your kid to grow up. I am a big fan of alarm clocks (not phones, because those shouldn’t be in the bedroom overnight anyway. But that’s a topic for another day.) If your kid misses the bus or your departure time, they can walk to school or pay you for inconveniencing you. They won’t do it very often.

Interpersonal responsibility

This builds off what you’ve been teaching your kids since they were toddlers, when you taught them to share, say “thank you,” and not hit people.

Going off into the world takes things up a couple levels. You kid will be dealing more with non-family adults, like professors, college staff, and bosses. They’ll have roommates, maybe for the first time. They’ll have to make friendships from scratch. They’ll have to make decisions about partying and sex, usually without adults around to set limits.

In the years before your child leaves home, have them practice dealing with adults. Encourage teens and preteens to talk directly to teachers or coaches when they have a question or problem. Rather than arranging all their activities, have them call your neighbor about the babysitting or lawn mowing job; have them call to sign up for a class or sport. Practicing using the phone is especially important these days when we do so much online. Kids are anxious about making a call, which is all the more reason they should do it when you’re around to coach if they want you to.

Also help them to start thinking about interpersonal responsibility and all the choices they’ll have to make. Ask them what makes a good roommate and how they’ll adjust to living with someone new. Invite them to consider what makes a good friend and what kind of friend they want to be. Talk about how alcohol and drugs will be readily available and how to handle that in a healthy way.

Especially, talk about sex and romance. You won’t be around to say they can’t have a partner stay overnight, so they’ll have to decide for themselves whether they really want to do something sexual. Emphasize that they shouldn’t take advantage of anyone, pressure anyone, or let themselves be pressured into anything that’s wrong for them. You can discourage young adults from having sex, but you can’t stop them. So help them make choices that respect other people and their own bodies.

And, really, that’s the whole point of parenting: To raise our kids to make their own decisions and take responsibility for their own lives. The earlier you get them started, the easier it’ll be.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.