Columnist of the People is having a problem with patience

And now for another installment from Columnist of the People (COTP), a pathetic, Dear Abby knockoff for casual sports fans.

Today’s topic: Patience. Or lack thereof.

No, really. COTP needs help. He has considered forming a PSG (Patience Support Group). It’s getting bad. Over dumb things, too. Things that really shouldn’t matter. But do.


• Have you ever been monitoring several sporting events at the same time on TV? You have the remote programmed perfectly. Jumping from game to game, perhaps driving your significant other to distraction. And then it happens: Every game is in commercial at the same time. How is this possible? Five different games all in commercial? What do we do with ourselves? This happened to COTP recently. Five vexing commercials. COTP wondered why he’d been forsaken. Sigh. COTP prays for patience.

• COTP was leaving Mohegan Sun the other night after the Sun game. (Fun team, by the way). COTP and his pal Jason Southard, the sports information director at Coast Guard, stopped for a, you know, lemonade after the game. And so COTP was waiting for the elevator at Riverview Garage. The “up” light was on.

Suddenly, a person, whose time was clearly more valuable than COTP’s, whizzes into the picture and begins to furiously push the elevator button. As if it’s going to make the elevator move faster. Author Robert Fulghum actually mentions a similar scene in one of his books. It was funny then.

But now? All COTP wanted to yell was “DIMWIT.” COTP prays for patience.

• Iceberg lettuce. Useless. Like one-ply toilet paper. What is the point?

COTP diverted from his usual Caesar salad recently to get a wedge. He got inwardly heated over iceberg. COTP doesn’t know who he is anymore. Iceberg. Crunchy, tasteless and not even a pretty green. The server puts it in front of COTP and it sort of smiles, this mountain of useless lettuce, as if it is taunting COTP.

Paying top dollar, too. So there’s COTP, trying to wrangle this mountain into smaller bites, while making polite conversation and trying to not stab himself. Shouldn’t COTP get some kind of participation award for endurance? Sigh. Who else gets this irritated over iceberg lettuce? COTP prays for patience.

• Not to belabor this, but it happened again. Same night at Mohegan. COTP just wants to park and get inside. Can he? Noooooo. Because dopey in the car in front of him has to back into the parking space, thus delaying the rest of us. Only a few seconds, sure. But it’s the principle. (If it was a school principal backing in, it would be the Principal’s Principle). Whatever. Just drive in like the rest of humanity. Sigh. COTP prays for patience.

• OK. Stealing this from George Carlin. But it’s soooo true. And it happened again the other day.

COTP was driving in the rain. Wipers going, rain pelting against the windshield. Radio on, defroster blowing so the windows don’t fog. Traffic and bustle all around. COTP stops, gets out and runs his errand. He gets back in the car, turns it on … and the radio is THIS LOUD. Could COTP possibly have been listening to that? Did someone tamper with COTP’s volume control? It was startling. COTP was miffed. He prays for patience.

• Tom Brady. On COTP’s nerves. He hawks his “TB12 Method” for healthy living with nutrition manuals, performance meals, cognitive fitness, brain exercise and other self-help musings … but then when he’s asked to talk about his wife’s bombshell about Brady playing with a concussion last year, he claims it’s “nobody’s business.”

Fraud. Concussions are a hot button issue in football right now. You want to be Mr. Self Help? Fine. You talk about concussions. And try beating Eli once in a while. So there. Sigh. COTP prays for patience during what promises to be a long football season.

• Finally: Could someone in Niantic have alerted COTP that the white paint they use to re-paint crosswalks is slippery?

COTP was out for a run last week on the day they re-painted some of the crosswalks in the 06357. He saw the opportunity to maintain his pace, ran into the crosswalk at the corner of Route 156 and Smith Avenue. He ran … slipped on the paint … and fell right on his ascot. (Then slipped trying to get up). Meanwhile, drivers were quick to giggle. But at least they stopped. Unlike on Williams Street in New London next to Mr. G’s, where they never stop. (And that useless “you are speeding” contraption isn’t working.) Imagine if COTP got run over? At least in that case, though, COTP wouldn’t have to pray for any more patience. Just a cheap funeral.

This is the opinion of impatient Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro


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