Leaving Michael Jordan's 23.sportcafé at Mohegan Sun last week, after we each had futilely tried to consume one of their 3-pound Hall of Famer hamburgers, Elissa Bass and I were overwhelmed by conflicting emotions.It was like the final scene in "Platoon," where the Charley Sheen character is being airlifted in a chopper out of a fire-fight zone with an injury that means he's Going Home. He weeps with joy, relief and even sorrow, exhilarated to have survived - yet feeling profound empathy for the brothers and warriors he's leaving behind.

It was like the final scene in "Platoon," where the Charley Sheen character is being airlifted in a chopper out of a fire-fight zone with an injury that means he's Going Home. He weeps with joy, relief and even sorrow, exhilarated to have survived - yet feeling profound empathy for the brothers and warriors he's leaving behind.For, indeed, the challenge of trying to eat the entire Hall of Famer burger-and-fries package is very much like going to war. A delicious war, admittedly, but this is no caloric campaign for the weak or cowardly. This is not a whimsical spin through a fast-food drive through for some under-a-buck menu item at 2 in the morning because you're drunk and in college.

For, indeed, the challenge of trying to eat the entire Hall of Famer burger-and-fries package is very much like going to war. A delicious war, admittedly, but this is no caloric campaign for the weak or cowardly. This is not a whimsical spin through a fast-food drive through for some under-a-buck menu item at 2 in the morning because you're drunk and in college.Rather, this is a monstrous task - a Battle of Gettysburger, if you will - made all the more difficult because, frankly, this is a really great sandwich. The quality of the meat and the precise grilling expertise, the condiments, the flavorful bun and wonderfully seasoned and textured fries … in modest proportion, why, it's about as fine a Burger Experience as you could hope for.

Rather, this is a monstrous task - a Battle of Gettysburger, if you will - made all the more difficult because, frankly, this is a really great sandwich. The quality of the meat and the precise grilling expertise, the condiments, the flavorful bun and wonderfully seasoned and textured fries … in modest proportion, why, it's about as fine a Burger Experience as you could hope for.But, beef alone, we're talking about the equivalent of 12 quarter-pounders. And in addition to 48 ounces of ground beef, we're talking an 18-ounce bun, 8 ounces of French fries and a sculpture of dill pickles - all of which must be eaten in order to claim the victor's prize, which is a large platter that looks like a basketball, with Jordan's signature imposed on it.

But, beef alone, we're talking about the equivalent of 12 quarter-pounders. And in addition to 48 ounces of ground beef, we're talking an 18-ounce bun, 8 ounces of French fries and a sculpture of dill pickles - all of which must be eaten in order to claim the victor's prize, which is a large platter that looks like a basketball, with Jordan's signature imposed on it.Elissa and I have tried this sort of exercise once before, with an Andean range of pancakes.

Elissa and I have tried this sort of exercise once before, with an Andean range of pancakes.And, as with the pancakes, Miz Bass came far closer to pulling it off than moi. No: I don't get it, either. She's petite and I'm an e'er expanding waistline - a moon unto myself. In fact, when the burgers were placed in front of us, there was a magnetic push/pull effect between the Mass That Is Me and the Mass That Was My Burger. Tides shifted.

And, as with the pancakes, Miz Bass came far closer to pulling it off than moi. No: I don't get it, either. She's petite and I'm an e'er expanding waistline - a moon unto myself. In fact, when the burgers were placed in front of us, there was a magnetic push/pull effect between the Mass That Is Me and the Mass That Was My Burger. Tides shifted.Though there is no time limit on the 23.sportcafé challenge, we arbitrarily gave ourselves one hour to pull it off. After all, "Man Versus Food's" Adam Richman - who has made a fortune out of this sort of gluttony - routinely faces vicious time constraints. It's only fair that we do the same.

Though there is no time limit on the 23.sportcafé challenge, we arbitrarily gave ourselves one hour to pull it off. After all, "Man Versus Food's" Adam Richman - who has made a fortune out of this sort of gluttony - routinely faces vicious time constraints. It's only fair that we do the same.To start, as the beautifully presented feasts were placed on the table, each of us tried to just lift our sandwiches. It was like hefting a tombstone that smelled good. My game plan was simply to eat it as I would a meal at any burger joint. And it tasted sensational. Chef Christie Flanagan - literally an executive sous chef in the Jordan empire that includes its world-class steak house - works magic with this stuff.

To start, as the beautifully presented feasts were placed on the table, each of us tried to just lift our sandwiches. It was like hefting a tombstone that smelled good. My game plan was simply to eat it as I would a meal at any burger joint. And it tasted sensational. Chef Christie Flanagan - literally an executive sous chef in the Jordan empire that includes its world-class steak house - works magic with this stuff.At first taste, I thought, "I can do this simply because it tastes that good." I failed miserably. Our pal, WXLM morning talk show host Lee Elci, came by to laugh at us and I tried to sneak him some of my food. But even that didn't help. In the end, I pulled a Robert E. Lee to Chef Flanagan's Ulysses S. Grant with not even half of my food gone.

At first taste, I thought, "I can do this simply because it tastes that good." I failed miserably. Our pal, WXLM morning talk show host Lee Elci, came by to laugh at us and I tried to sneak him some of my food. But even that didn't help. In the end, I pulled a Robert E. Lee to Chef Flanagan's Ulysses S. Grant with not even half of my food gone.Elissa, on the other hand, strategized to eat the meat first, then, utilizing an array of sumptuous dipping sauces provided by the staff, follow up with torn chunks of bun later. That didn't work, either, but, by God, she came very close to finishing 3 pounds of ground beef.

Elissa, on the other hand, strategized to eat the meat first, then, utilizing an array of sumptuous dipping sauces provided by the staff, follow up with torn chunks of bun later. That didn't work, either, but, by God, she came very close to finishing 3 pounds of ground beef.With a sort of fake gravitas - because they were frankly amused - our gracious hosts, including Flanagan, manager Tristan Edovas and marketing director Denise Vallilo Miller, along with Day video wizard Peter Huoppi (who captured this comedy for posterity on theday.com), formed a funeral cortege as Elissa and I oozed out of the restaurant like a spreading stain.

With a sort of fake gravitas - because they were frankly amused - our gracious hosts, including Flanagan, manager Tristan Edovas and marketing director Denise Vallilo Miller, along with Day video wizard Peter Huoppi (who captured this comedy for posterity on theday.com), formed a funeral cortege as Elissa and I oozed out of the restaurant like a spreading stain.Failure rarely tastes so truly fine …

Failure rarely tastes so truly fine … r.koster@theday.com

r.koster@theday.com

COUNTING CALORIES

Mary Ann Nash, the nutritionist at Lawrence & Memorial Hospital's Community Cancer Center, hauled out the calorie-counting equipment to break down the Hall-of-Famer meal that was presented to Day reporter Elissa Bass at Michael Jordan's 23.sportcafé.

The 3-pound ground beef patty (80/20 lean to fat), with sauteed mushrooms, caramelized onions, five slices of American cheese, lettuce and tomato served on an 18-ounce bun with 8 ounces of fries and a large deli pickle equals (drum roll, please): "5,218 calories, give or take a few hundred."