Columnist of the People to the rescue for Valentine's Day Olympic viewing

OK. So the other day, Columnist of the People (COTP) was talking to some cabinet members of the male gland. Topic: What they’re getting their significant others on Valentine’s Day.

Among the answers:

Husband: “How long have we been together?”

Wife: “Thirty years.”

Husband: “What do I usually get you for Valentine’s Day?”

Wife: “Nothing.”

Husband: “Expect more of the same this year.”

Another cabinet member said his wife would consider flowers a “waste of money.” Another said, “We’ll do what we do every year. Watch TV and fall asleep.”

COTP has an answer for all this.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Come on. You can do better. It’s Valentine’s Day. (Kevin) Love is in the air.

Idea: Try to watch a sporting event together Wednesday night. It’ll be fun. And this is the perfect year, too, with the Olympics on. You don’t even have to like or know anything about sports to appreciate the Olympics. Skiing, skating, sledding and curling. Sort of like our “X Games” only with the addition of Scandinavians.

So how does the evening start? In the living room. Just you and your significant other. TV on. Fire going. Maybe you both sit on the couch together instead of your usual spots (different rooms). Perhaps a chance to enhance romance?

Since you’re both drinking water, it’s permissible to have more than one. You can say something like, “would you get me another glass, honey?”

Honey might reply: “Another?”

And you'll say: “Yes. I'm trying to stay hydrated so we can live a longer, happier life together.”

(Insert uncontrollable laughter here at 1) the thought of drinking water and 2) your partner thinking that you are actually changing your habits.)

The Olympics offer so much fodder for conversation. You could be watching the biathlon, for instance. This could be a night in itself. It combines those long established concepts of cross-country skiing and shooting guns. They go together like peanut butter and jelly, don’t they?

This may actually accomplish the original goal of falling asleep early.

Honey might say, “Would you ever consider cross-country skiing with me?”

You say, “Honey. Cross-country skiing is how most Norwegians get to the 7-Eleven.” (That’s a line from the great writer Dan Jenkins, by the way).

Honey might even laugh, or go get that glass of water just to get away from your bizarre sense of humor.

But then you might both look quizzically at the participants, as they suddenly halt their skiing to drop to their stomachs in nine feet of show to shoot a gun.

And you wonder, if 100 Olympians fall on snow, is it the same as 100 overweight, COTPs falling on snow? Why can’t they shoot standing up like all good cops and criminals? But since they’re in snow, do they ever consider rolling over and making a snow angel? Throw a snowball at the person out in front?

Perhaps you’d find some common ground here, wondering how in the name of Hades this could possibly be an Olympic sport. Or how one can ski and shoot at the same time. COTP can’t even type and chew gum at the same time.

There’s always figure skating. Fun outfits. And the color commentators often sound as though they’re having some kind of moment. Or count the number of times snowboarders use the word “dude” during post snowboarding interviews. Or wondering how much younger the competitors are going to get.

There’s always hockey, where the object is to score. There are limitless interpretations of how this conversation could continue in the comforts of your home.

So there.

COTP to the rescue again.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

This is the opinion of Day sports columnist Mike DiMauro

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