People who give themselves nicknames are generally loathed. I would loathe them, too, if I wasn't guilty. My self-created nickname? "A Man of Cola."

I did so in homage to the fact that I've spent an insane amount of time in convenience stores or fast food franchises, filling up huge plastic cups with my beloved fountain cola. (Bottled or canned colas will suffice if that's all there is, but ...).

This explains how I came to notice, on a recent trip to a 7-Eleven in Denver, a drink option on their fountain cola machine. Along with the requisite Coke and Diet Coke and Dr Pepper and Mountain Dew, there was a beverage called "B.W. Cooper's Iced Brew Tea." 

What is "iced brew tea"? I don't know because I was more interested in B.W. Cooper than his tea. Y'see, just above the little valve where you press your cup to dispense liquid, the "Iced Brew Tea" logo included a photo of B.W. Cooper himself.

PLACE PHOTO HERE.

And it cannot be a coincidence that Cooper looks EXACTLY like prime-era Ernest "Papa" Hemingway — and, yes, I firmly believe Hemingway gave himself that nickname. But no matter! What we have, then, is this Cooper man — clearly a wild and rugged tea-spirit who has explored all of the world's light and shadow and emerged from the cumulative morass committed to one thing only: "Iced Brew Tea."

Afraid that anything I learned about B.W. Cooper through actual homework would ruin my instantaneous assumptions about this ... this "Man of Iced Brew Tea," I chose to make up a few facts about him:

1. Cooper was once lost on a solo fishing voyage in the Gulf Stream and nearly died of thirst whilst trying to land a huge marlin. He vowed to never go on another adventure without iced brew tea to provide delicious hydration.

2. Cooper, on a safari in Africa, killed a rhino, six giraffes, an albino cheetah, two elephants, a hippopotamus, and (accidentally) the Trump brothers — after which he toasted himself with good ol' iced brew tea.

3. Refining an early iced brew tea recipe based on Hemingway's minimalist "Theory of Omission" literary style, Cooper accidentally left out tea leaves!

4. In response to an observation by a parched acquaintance that the world would be a better place if the only thing to drink was iced brew tea, Cooper responded, "Isn't it pretty to think so?"