These are eldritch times. The wolf is at the door; his breath is foul and he won't take no for an answer. Darkness and Decay are thinking about holding illimitable dominion over all. And, if he wasn't deceased, Greg Lake would fear tomorrow he'd be crying. *

Despair!

Y'see, if you've turned on a television lately, you've been slammed with nonstop ads by the 48 gubernatorial candidates who can't wait to add to the hell-pit legacy of Dannel Malloy and serial convict John Rowland.

From now till November, we'll see nothing but the same campaign commercials on a brain-peeling loop. Has even one voter in the history of democracy been irrevocably swayed by a TV campaign ad?

No.

And why? BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL EXACTLY THE SAME. I addressed the issue four years ago, when this all happened before the last gubernatorial election — and nothing's changed:

1. Candidate with scrubbed family in pleasantly barbered yard.

2. Candidate in warehouse as minimum-wage laborers smile appreciably in the fashion of a kid in a Spielberg film who just saw a shimmering angel.

3. Candidate in diner with coffee cup, nodding compassionately and clucking with gently empathy as commoners awkwardly try to convey what it's like to be morose peasants.

Four years ago, I suggested a few gently funny alternative concepts to the above scenarios and no one paid attention. Now? Time to up the ante. I'm begging just ONE candidate to let me script his or her commercials. I guarantee no one will call my candidate "indistinguishable" from the competitors. And enough of us weirdos will appreciate the lunacy of it all to deliver a mandate. Consider:

1. VOICEOVER: "We'll take a new approach to thwarting bureaucracy ..."

What viewer sees:  Candidate sitting alone in a dent-crumpled Dodge Dart of antiquity, extracting an indivual corn-cone from a bag of Bugles snacks, then using the sharp end to dig into his ear. He tugs on a sheep mask and we hear him start to weep.

2. VOICEOVER: "We'll focus on local development and recruiting new businesses..."

What viewer sees: Candidate skillfully juggles seven pears, then dashes to and forward-flips into the open cockpit of a helicopter, which rises like a Phoenix before flying at top speed into a suspension bridge, bursting into a Jack-o'-Lantern of flame.

3. NO VOICEOVER, just heartwarming New Age piano music, the sort you hear just before a charming orphan gets an unexpected present from a Ryan Gosling-type in a Hallmark holiday movie ...

What viewer sees: Candidate beams as he looks at a box full of new puppies. "I love these little guys," he chuckles, then drops to his hands and knees, chomping the dry food in their bowl; when the doggies approach to share, he knocks them backwards against the wall with substantial force.