Hey, kid, wanna go to Yale? Some fresh thoughts:

1. By the time you see this, I suspect the whole Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal will have been covered, analyzed, discussed and indignantly condemned more than any past or future event in history — even more than the Jared Kushner/Michael Cohen/Kim Jong Un "love triangle" bombshell I predict will break on Easter Sunday.

2. By the time you see this, a proposal for a book about the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal, to be co-authored by James "A Million Little Pieces" Frey and Dan "I Wrote 'The Woman in the Window' Under the Fake Name A.J. Finn Though It Turns Out That Pseudonym Isn't Near as Fake as What I've Been Passing Off as My Real Life" Mallory, will get a seven-figure advance at auction.

3. By the time you see this, a treatment for a film about Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal will have been optioned for film for a cool eight-figures by a top Hollywood agent acting on behalf of both Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin. The film will star Loughlin as Huffman and Huffman as Loughlin — if they're out of jail. A small glitch: The proud mamas want their collective children to star in the movie, but the children say they'll be too busy studying and rowing crew at MIT. That's right: MIT!

a. The irony is that none of Felicity or Lori's bribes actually went to MIT. Their humble, "fair is fair" kiddos applied to the elite school without their parents' knowledge — with money they made driving a taco truck in East LA — because "we want to by God earn everything we get in this tough old world." 

b. All four youngsters are committed to taking the MIT Women's Lightweight Crew to nationals.

c. Plus, MIT has an elite Aeronautics and Astronautics Department (favored by Felicity's daughters Sofia and Georgia) and a peerless Urban Science and Engineering major (favored by Lori's daughters Olivia Jade and Isabella Rose). A spokesman says all four of these scholar/athletes "just want to give back."

4. And what about Loughlin's husband, Mossimo Giannulli? I mention him because I basically want to hit anyone named "Mossimo Giannulli." And he does what? Oh, he's a DESIGNER. Of course he is! Part of Mossimo Giannulli's punishment, if he's found guility in the admissions case, is he'll have to legally change his name to "Pooper Kuggins."

5. This admissions thing is infuriating for many reasons, but — seriously, here — has this already become a bigger deal than the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State child sex abuse scandal? And what does that tell us?

6. "Less wealthy" parents? Don't be sad. Rick Koster's College Placement Services has reasonable rates and guarantees your child's admission to Keith's Top-Notch Medical School.