"Top Gun" hit movie screens in 1986, which historians will tell you was in another century and which I will tell you was almost 77 years ago. Wait ... did I carry the 4? Oops, sorry. Make that almost 35 years ago.

Still, that's a LONG time ago. But despite the film's popularity — the late French filmmaker Jean Renoir, who died five before "Top Gun" came out, nonetheless had the prescience to rank it alongside "Citizen Kane," "Battleship Potemkin," "Ran" and "Wild Strawberries" as one of the five greatest works of cinema ever — readers of The Day seemed astonished that I could write an entire Rick's List about "Top Gun." "Why is this relevant?" one petulant correspondent wondered. "Why can't you write about that show about those two people who raise tigers but hate each other?"

Hmm. I suppose that makes a certain amount of sence. Why focus on "Top Gun"-style antiquity in an age when pop culture moves at the speed of a teen texting while blasting through a red light?

But then ANOTHER correspondent chimed in. "Stu" sent me an email alerting me to the fact that THIS YEAR, on Dec. 23, a sequel to "Top Gun" will be released. And, yes, original stars Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer are back.

And so, I apologize for being the only person at this time in a most-turbulent world who can write two columns in a row about "Top Gun." But it must be done.

Now, understandably, security is tight concerning details about the new film, but, by reaching out to a valuable Hollyood source — which is to say Jean Renoir, via Ouija board — here are some rumors I've unearthed about some of the story lines being considered.

1. Cruise will again portray fighter pilot Maverick, but Kilmer is not playing his "Top Gun" character Iceman. Instead, Kilmer is reprising his role as Jim Morrison from Oliver Stone's "The Doors." The plot is that the supposedly dead rock star has actually been alive all these years and is coming out of hiding to join the new Morrison-Loggins Band with Kenny Loggins of "Highway to the Danger Zone" fame. Maverick will fly the group's private plane.

2. Maverick and Iceman bump into one another at a restaurant in the West Village and have a 90-minute, "My Dinner with Andre" style conversation mostly about "Whatever happened to Kelly McGillis?"

3. Maverick, no longer in the military, spends his days admiring how white his teeth are. Iceman, also retired from flying, is running a bumper-car attraction for Wolcott's Traveling Carnival on the seasonal Florida-to-New England amusements circuit. Iceman is sent to find Maverick and see if the old flybird might be interested in running a new attraction on the midway. It seems Old Man Wolcott purchased the petrified remains of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard and wants to open a combination "See the L. Ron Hubbard Mummy / Saltwater Taffy" stand. Not one jet is seen in the entire movie.

4. Maverick and Iceman re-up and join an elite flying squadron and, horribly old and rusty, crash and die on their first mission.