I never actually thought about corporate headhunters working in academia, but apparently it’s a regular part of the staffing process. Consider this excerpt from a (fake) letter I received, sent by a recruiter named X. Thaddeus Brewster:

“Dear Mr. Koster: In light of recent student unrest at Yale University — I’m sure you’re aware the ultimate focus of the Young Persons’ agitation concerns, ah, Halloween costumes — I am authorized on behalf of the university’s search committee to extend an offer.

“Yale would like to hire you to fill a newly created administrative position called Arbiter of Sensible and Non-Offensive Student Halloween Suits. This is a tenure track opportunity and benefits include competitive salary, paid vacation, 401 (k) and health insurance — and is no more ridiculous than many positions in the vast and oft-head-scratching terrain we call College Land.”

Dear Yale: I accept!

Let me just say that I think the kiddos are darling in their rage over the septic possibilities of insensitivity at Halloween, and I’m just the man — make that “person” — to extinguish the bonfire flames of rebellion when Oct. 31 rolls around again. Let’s get started. We only have 11 1/2 months!

I think an integral and essential part of any college matriculation involves the Pupil evaluating options and making carefully considered choices. To that end, next October, here are some reasonable costume guidelines in terms of what might not alienate or make other students uneasy.

1. A friendly hare

2. Harold Bloom, Yale’s preeminent Shakespearean scholar, if he was a vampire. In-joke fun!

3. A conceptual grouping wherein several “mobbing” classmates trick or treat en masse, representing key members of “The Brady Bunch”

Now, these, on the other hand, are not-so-reasonable costume ideas. To mask in such fashion might hurt some feelings:

1. Greg Hardy

2. Hitler, gynecologist

3. JFK mask with a comical Band-Aid on the left temple in accordance with the Zapruder footage

I remain confident that the Children of Eli will celebrate Samhain in mature and globally-aware fashion.

Sincerely,

Rick Koster

Yale University Arbiter for Sensible and Non-Offensive Student Halloween Suits