Is there even one among you who didn't see the report out of Kansas City where a poor woman named Susie Torres woke up last week and discovered a brown recluse spider had crawled in her ear while she was asleep?

Mercifully, the brown recluse spider did not bite Susie Torres. Physically, she is ok. Mentally? I don't know Susie, but I can only imagine she's a screaming lunatic for whom all vestiges of love, sanity, hope and gratitude for a beautiful world crawled into her ear on eight legs and exited via a doctor's forceps — leaving a shattered, gibbering wreck of a human being.

And for those of you who ever doubted the existence of Hell, I guess that's been resolved for you. You'd better believe there's a Hell. As Dante wrote, "Then there's the whole spider-in-the-ear section."

Also, heretofore, it's always been a fun spiritual parlor game for folks to blithely talk about what will be the first question he or she asks God upon entrance to heaven. Millions of possibilities, right, ranging from the personal/familiar/ancestral to whimsical to intellectual and more?

No longer. From this moment forward, any soul entering the Kingdom of Heaven has one question and one question only: "Hey, God! You want to explain how you justify sending a freakin' brown recluse spider into Susie Torres' ear?!"

Admittedly, there are few things I hate more than spiders, so maybe that accounts for a little of my outrage. But I'll bet there are plenty of entomologists doing field studies in all the jungles of the Earth who heard about Susie's ear and promptly hit the brandy bottle while writing their letters of resignation.

I suppose there ARE scarier things that could happen to a person coming out of a deep sleep. Here are a few. You yawn one morning and open your eyes and ...

1. ... incomprehensibly awful rapper Post Malone is standing by your bed. He's just finished tattooing a couplet from his song "Wow" onto the side of your face ("Pull up to the house with some big butts / Turn the kitchen counter to a strip-club").

2. ... you're in the middle of a day-long team-building exercise at an insurance company.

3. ... (apologies to "Night Gallery") you learn the spider they just pulled from your ear hatched thousands of eggs in your brain.

4. ... you suddenly talk like Gilbert Gottfried.

5. ... Satan, pale and anxious, is cringing in the corner of your bedroom. "Jeez, lady! You have a freakin' spider in your ear! I hate spiders!"