The wood-fired Tesla and other items from my gift catalogue

Time is running out to order the perfect holiday present for that special adventurer, survivalist or guilt-ridden environmental activist in your life, and there’s no better place to shop than the 2019 Great Outdoors Gift Catalogue.

Like past editions, this year’s compendium features honest-to-goodness merchandise mixed in among items that are only products of my imagination.

See if you can tell which are bona-fide and which are phony.

Answers at the end of the column.

1. My Survival Farm

A permaculture course for preppers, a stealth survival garden that doesn’t look like a garden at all when you’re looking at it.

This is the perfect way to hide your year-round food supply from looters, thugs and hungry mouths.


2. Smart Deals Now Brand New Youth Size ATV with 110cc engine and Big Rugged Wheels with REVERSE (TREE CAMO )

You can’t go wrong with buying your kids an ATV. If you’re looking for a bullet proof way to get them outdoors, this will do the trick.

Accidents, Abuse, Neglect, Labor and Mechanic that would be needed for the warranty are NOT included.

In no event will SmartDealsNow and all its affiliates be liable for damages, lost revenue, lost wages, lost savings, or any other incidental or consequential damages arising from purchase, use or inability to use the product or for manufacturer's defects.


3. PoochKitty Carrier

Can’t bear to leave Fido and Fluffy behind when taking a hike or walk in the park?

The PoochKitty Carrier is the perfect solution. Adjustable, chew-resistant canine harness equipped with feline carrying pouch allows pet families to stroll together. Fits most medium-to-large breeds (not recommended for Chihuahuas, miniature poodles and other small dogs).


4. The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook, Revised: 40 Ways to Cook Crickets, Grasshoppers, Ants, Water Bugs, Spiders, Centipedes, and Their Kin

With its stylish new package, updated information on the health and environmental benefits of insect eating, and breed-your-own instructions, this new edition of The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook is the go-to resource for anyone interested in becoming an entomological epicure.


5. Shark Eyes

Shark Eyes is the world’s most affordable visual shark deterrent. From watermen to professionals to every day ocean lovers, Shark Eyes is for all water users who want to minimize their risk of a shark attack.

The Shark Eyes decal applies easily to water sports equipment and aims to trick the shark into thinking it’s been spotted, thereby removing the element of surprise and deterring an attack. Stay safer with Shark Eyes, which easily applies to water sports equipment, needs no recharging, doesn’t alter performance, and respects the environment.


6. Wood-fired Tesla

While the Tesla Model S 75D Automatic’s revolutionary plug-in technology provides an impressive 103 mpg in combined city/highway driving, motorists can “lap the field” with the new Model 68 WF, powered by wood combustion. The 68 WF not only runs on readily available, sustainable fuel but also eliminates the often-frustrating search for a charging station.

Recommended option: Anodized aluminum trailer for carrying up to a cord of your own fuel.

Auto only: $87,500

With trailer: $92,700

7. Hammacher Schlemmer battery-operated sundial

Looks just like an antique solar timepiece, but actually houses a quartz movement that runs on a rechargeable lithium-ion battery so it tells time even on cloudy days.


8. Egg-zactly Fresh Portable Chicken Coop

Why settle for powdered, freeze-dried eggs on your next camping trip when you can enjoy farm-fresh eggs straight from the coop?

Portable henhouse equipped with easy-to-use straps that attach to backpack, designed to carry one to three chickens comfortably and securely. Inflate and place outside tent at campsite and awaken to fresh eggs ready for the frying pan.

$47.85 for coop only

$11.15 per chicken

$8.99 for 5-pound bag of chicken feed

9. Swim to Antarctica!

Your Brrrrr Expeditions adventure begins with an 11-day cruise aboard Endurance II, a replica of Sir Ernest Shackleton’s ill-fated vessel, departing from Ushuaia, at the southern tip of Argentina, to the Weddell Sea off the west coast of Antarctica.

The ship will make short stops at the South Sandwich Islands and Elephant Island, where the legendary explorer and his exhausted crew landed after a perilous five-day crossing in an open boat. This astounding survival tale came after the original Endurance was crushed by pack ice.

From Elephant Island, modern-day adventurers will sail to within 100 yards of the Antarctic shore, don polar immersion suits, jump in the 30-degree water, and swim to land, trailed by Coast Guard-trained rescue divers and certified medical professionals.


10. Cangoroo pogo stick sharing app

Swedish start-up Cangoroo is introducing shared, app-based pogo sticks to urban areas around the globe.

Cangoroo is offering an alternative, joyful way of getting to wherever life takes you. Our belief is that our service can come to play a central role in changing how people look at sustainable cities and staying healthy. We are helping people to stay healthy. One Cangoroo at a time.



My Survival Farm, Youth Size ATV, Eat a Bug Cookbook, Shark Eyes and Cangoroo pogo stick sharing app are all actual products; the rest are fake.

If you fell for three or more phonies, I may be able to put you in a wood-fired Tesla or solar-powered Hummer. 







Loading comments...
Hide Comments