Rick's List — Working for Joe Edition
Politicians are often untrustworthy.
There, I've said it.
And I'm not differentiating between one party or another, either. There is no more loyalty or integrity in the Body Politic than there are empty spaces in the James Patterson's "Look at the Books I've Published" shelves that occupy an entire wing of Florida.
Oh, sure, in D.C. you occasionally get some earnest goofball — one of those "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" types — eyes glistening with the tears of sincerity and convinced that "people will do the right thing if you give them the chance and robust leadership!"
Typically, within a two-year Congressional term, these folks end up cashing in empty pop bottles for crack money, or Reality hits them like a sledgehammer blow to the solar plexus and, next thing you know, they're flying Air Epstein to a private island to whoop it up. Check your soul and underwear at the door, brother!
I know all this, y'see, because for three-and-a-half years I've been Head Fabricator for a secret department inside the Oval Office. Our gig? Simply to write myriad lies for Orange Don. Each week — it's sorta like "Glengarry Glen Ross" only with hookers and Big Macs — we have staff competitions to see who can come up with the most outlandish fib with which to energize "The Base."
Anyway, what I was saying about selling out and loyalty?
Well, I've crossed the aisle. A high-ranking fixer in Joe Biden's group approached me and asked for a meeting. I suggested the same barbecue joint Kevin Spacey used to go to in "House of Cards."
"Wait," the Biden rep said. "Is that place real?"
At the rendezvous, Biden's stooge said, "Listen, Rick. This 'lie your (expletive) off' strategy is pure gold! We can't figure out how to counteract it. It's like a world where Pinocchio's nose never gets any bigger, a world where lie detectors are programmed to say TRUE no matter what. Trump's demographic will believe anything! What'll it cost for you to work for Honest Joe?"
It was a hell of an offer. So good, in fact, that starting tomorrow, here are some new talking points you'll hear from the presumptive Democratic nominee.
1. Don't worry about Biden's health. If he dies, an emergency team will immediately sever his head and place it in a cryogenic freezer until he and Ted Williams can come back.
2. In the meantime, Honest Joe's VP — this hasn't been announced yet but ... it's IVANKA TRUMP! — will take over.
3. Orange Don secretly likes that all the Confederate statues have come down. He keeps them in his bedroom and talks to them at night. "Can I touch your cutlass, General Forrest, sir?"
4. Biden loses his train of thought INTENTIONALLY. There's a certain charm to it — sorta like saying "Balderdash." (When he wants to, Biden can flow like Rakim.)
5. Trump's "Mexican wall" is finished. The reason you haven't heard about it is that he held the blueprints SIDEWAYS and that's why, when you're trying to drive from New Mexico to Arizona, there's a huge barrier extending north to Las Vegas and south to Mexico City.
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