I have been feeling a little...well...frustrated of late. And the fact that I feel frustrated is making me more frustrated. I have already told you that this Stay At Home Mom (SAHM henceforth) is no joke. If anyone at this point would try tell me that being a SAHM is not a job I would probably want to punch them in the face. This is probably a hundred times harder than my regular job. Conversely, it is probably also a hundred times more rewarding...when it is going well.

This past week, I have taken a golf club (yes, a real one, not one of those Nerf jobbers) to the shin (unintentional), a Chuggington train to the side of the head (Brewster for those who care and I would say moderately intentional), I have been screamed at for no good reason, I have been barfed on, I haven't slept through the night (although for risk of jinxing myself I refuse to talk about how good Little Lady does at night). I think sometimes the Hubbs thinks I am crazy and/or wishes I would just shut up already. I have endured meltdowns and tantrums. I have nearly had my nose hairs burned by the worst smelling gas I have ever experienced...by my 8 week old.

I have reprimanded quicker than I should. I have let my 2 year old's tears force me to question my parenting. I have begged my daughter, sometimes with inappropriate language, to please stop crying, for the love of God, before you wake your brother from his nap and end my two hours of "quiet" time. I have stared at my 8 week old with bewilderment wondering what in the world could possibly make her cry so hard and why whatever it is that is so upsetting happens at 5:15 every evening. I have resented The Hubbs for being able to do things by himself like golf, because I haven't left the house without kids for more than 15 minutes in MONTHS.

I realized that the SAHM work week doesn't have a weekend and that Saturday and Sunday seem strikingly similar to every other day of the week. And I don't know too many people who work work seven days a week. And those that do don't tend to be too happy about it. Because everyone needs a break now and then.

But also in the past week, I have received countless kisses from a little boy who all of a sudden wants to kiss everything because he has so much love to give. I have been amazed as I watch and listen as he puts together more and more words and sentences. I have witnessed him identify almost all of his letters. I have enjoyed his little sense of humor as he has made me laugh more than any other person I know right now. I have stared into Little Lady's happy eyes as she nurses. I have been the one that I know she is looking for. I have napped with her tiny body perfectly fit on mine. I have gotten lost in her smile and her coo's as she finds her voice. I have felt my heart leap at the words "love you too Mommy".

I have gotten lost in the thoughts of what is to come, because I know it will get easier...but that means I won't have this moment anymore.

This week I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is like some kind of intense version of Chutes and Ladders. Some days it is all you can do to hope to break even. But at the end of the day, I would not choose anything else. I work because I have to, but my first job will always be Mom because I love to.