Called upon to manage a Seattle office for his company, sales executive Brian Richards got the job done in a cutting-edge way. Instead of relocating his wife and three children, then ages 9, 6 and 4, from their Alpharetta, Ga., home, he did an “extreme commute” — flying home for a few days after every 10 days at work.

But the setup was tougher on the family than he expected, says Richards, who has returned to working in Georgia after a four-month extreme commute. “I don't know that I'd do the commute again.”

More employees faced with relocating for their jobs are embracing extreme commutes to avoid uprooting their children. But the trend is showing some strain. The popular wisdom — that it's always better for families with kids to stay put — isn't always best. Instead, a family's best choice depends on kids' ages, the family's stability and the attitude of the employee's spouse.

The antirelocation frenzy is at a fever pitch. Some 80 percent of employees who decline transfers cite family reasons, eight times the levels of 25 years ago, says Atlas Van Lines, which surveys companies annually. A Korn/Ferry International survey of 200 executive-search consultants shows 70 percent of executives prefer extreme commutes over moving. While parents have long resisted uprooting teenagers, many “are drawing the line now at seven to eight years old,” says Scott Sullivan, senior vice president, GMAC Relocation Services, Woodridge, Ill. Falling home prices are speeding the trend.

But because extreme commutes are relatively new — a product of broader communications technology and air travel — many families are blindsided by the challenges they pose, says Anne Copeland of the Interchange Institute, Brookline, Mass., a research and training concern. Jeff Hocking, a Korn/Ferry managing director, says, “Some think it's a neat idea — until they start doing it.”

For small children, a parent's repeated arrivals and departures can be confusing, especially if the absences last more than a few days. When Kelley Graham's husband took an assignment a few years ago that allowed him to get home only once a month, her teenage son did OK. But her daughter, then 5, cried often and worried about her father's safety, and her younger son, then 9, became angry about seeing his dad so seldom. “Would I recommend it for anybody? I would not,” says Graham, of Hudson, Ohio.

In a new study by Copeland of 1,400 extreme commuters, set for publication soon by Worldwide ERC, a nonprofit relocation group, one said his young daughter cried every time she saw a suitcase coming out of the closet, Copeland says. Another participant said his son pulled away when he tried to read him a story, adding, “I'm afraid he's becoming resigned to my leaving.”

For young children, moving can sometimes be easier than it is for older kids. When Deb Voss, her husband and children, 4 and 6, moved to Seattle from Chicago to pursue a career opportunity for him, making new friends took extreme effort, Voss says. But her husband now spends less time traveling, and the family is enjoying more outdoor fun. Also, her daughter, 6, has learned to be “a more flexible playmate” and make new friends.

Old studies linking relocation with serious problems in kids have been partly disproven. The teen depression, suicide attempts and early sex once tied to moving are actually more directly related to the adverse childhood experiences common in families that move a lot, such as abuse and marital discord, says a study published in 2005 in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine. The risks of alcoholism and teen pregnancy were still somewhat higher for kids who moved eight or more times, however, after controlling for adverse experiences.

The popular wisdom that it's unwise to relocate a teenager is often correct. Adolescents need to bond with peers and their community. And teens tend to handle a parent's extreme commute better, sustaining ties with the parent by phone and email. Graham's three children, now several years older, are doing fine with her husband's current commuting setup, which has him on the road four days a week. Her oldest child, 17, has kept his sports teams and friends, and the family is together every weekend.

Whichever path parents choose, the attitude of the transferee's spouse is a powerful factor, says Linda Stroh, a business professor at Loyola University Chicago and an expert on corporate relocation. “We just have to keep doing the gut check, ask ourselves what's important in life, and fully understand the trade-offs we're making when we accept a relocation or engage in a commuter marriage. None of it is easy.”

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