Here's a column that, because of the glacial pace of our Daybreak publication schedule (and because they only let me out of my cage a couple times a month), will not see print until long after everyone in the world has forgotten who Eliot Spitzer is.

Hint: He was the swashbuckling governor of a certain state bordering ours who got hoisted, as they say, by his own petard.

But what the hey, I've read far and wide on this scandal and no one else seems to have paused to drink deeply from the intoxicating well of linguistic legerdemain found on the Emperor's Club VIP website.

We are, after all, speaking of an e-brothel.

And yet, one could conduct a whole college seminar on the marvelous nods and winks found in the introductory text of this Web site.

Eng. 207: Circumlocution and its Discontents, exegesis of a Web text. Required of all tropology majors. Prerequisite: Eng. 101: “That's What She Said: The Fundamentals of Double Entrendre.”

But let's, as the professor would say, turn to the text.

First line: “As a major venue for modeling industry professionals, Emperors Spokes Models provides promotional services to its direct clients ...”

Yes! We are no more than four words into it before we have our first use of euphemism: “major venue” for whorehouse, quickly followed by “modeling industry professionals,” who would be what? Anyone?

And they will provide “promotional services?” Hmmm.

Let's skip ahead: “Emperors' Club vip (sic) Spokes Models are the enthusiastic, engaging, dynamic promotion your business needs.”

Class, please take out a pencil and paper for a pop quiz:

1. What kind of “promotion” do you think Gov. Spitzer received?

2. What exactly were his “business needs?”

Next: “Professional interest generators, our spokes models share the unique ability to initiate and maintain customer interest in your business promotions.”

Moving right along: “Their outgoing candor to your current and prospective customers coupled with unwavering dedication to your ultimate goals ensures success of any promotion.”

3. Please translate the previous sentence into the language of a Penthouse Forum letter.

Next: “Representing Spokes models of superior verbal and non-verbal communication skills, they make your customers feel important and engaged while providing a professionally informative experience.”

4. OK. How much more of this can you take without blowing milk through your nose?

Also, we are told that these “spokes models” can “deliver your message ... raising your company's image and customer awareness simultaneously.”

Moreover, they “consistently deliver excellent return on your investment” and “are always prepared, ready to perform.”

Professor (leaning back against his desk and fanning himself with a sheaf of papers):

5. Uh, could someone please get me a cup of water? Alas, I am a man too much in love with words.

This is the opinion of Kenton Robinson.

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