As you may know, therapists tend to be big fans of couples scheduling “date nights.” We encourage people, especially busy parents, to go out on dates with their spouses.

Why are therapists so stuck on the idea? Not because it’s so easy to recommend, but because it’s so important.

When you’re a couple raising a family, the two of you are a team in three areas: parenting, running the house (including earning the money to run it), and being a couple. These are three distinct roles. Too often, the demands of the first two win out.

You may be so tired from working, cleaning, and dealing with the kids that taking time for an evening out with your partner feels like too much to deal with. Some weeks are like that, of course. But if you make a habit of making your marriage your lowest priority, it will suffer from neglect.

Neglect your intimate connection long enough, and you start to grow apart. One or both of you may start to feel lonely; someone might even be tempted to have an affair. You stop really knowing each other. Your connection becomes all about your shared responsibilities and loses the fun and intimacy you had at the beginning.

Marriage is not supposed to be all work and no play. Yes, there’s a lot of work — and that’s all the more reason to make sure there’s play in the mix.

You want to do a good job raising your kids — but you also want to still like each other when they grow up and go off into the world. That means still knowing each other as you change and grow over years.

It means still being able to have fun together. That’s where date nights come in.

A good date night includes one or both of two key elements: meaningful conversation and fun.

Talking — really talking — is essential for knowing your partner. Go beyond the day-to-day stuff. What is she most enjoying these days? What is he finding challenging? What is she becoming less interested in, or more interested? What is he satisfied about, and where does he feel stuck?

What has she been worrying about? What would he like to learn more about?

You can also talk about your future. Where would you like to vacation, this year or someday when you can afford it? What do you think your careers/work life will be 10 years from now? What would each of you like to accomplish someday? What would you like to do in retirement?

Listen, be curious

You don’t have to agree about all of this, by the way. Just listen and be curious about what your significant other is thinking and feeling.

These kinds of important conversations are most likely to happen when you have regular, quiet dates — especially meals out together or long walks. You can also learn about your sweetie when you watch a movie or play and discuss your reactions to it, or when you look at art together and talk about your reactions.

The “fun” category of dates includes anything that makes you laugh or gets your blood pumping. That could mean exercise, doing a ropes course or zipline, or watching an action movie.

It could be playing a sport together. It could be something playful or silly, like seeing a comedy, having a tickle fight or jumping in leaves. (Think of things that made you laugh as a kid and try them again now.)

And then there’s the fun of getting sexy together. Make time for intimacy. If you’re in a bit of a rut, step out of it by trying something new (maybe an activity, maybe a new piece of lingerie). Or try something old, by going back to romantic or sexy things you did early in your relationship, or by flirting with each other as if you’d just met. If your kids put a damper on your love life, find some privacy by getting a hotel room or swapping overnight babysitting with a friend.

Other fun dates can be anything that’s new to you. Sign up for a class — any class — through a local adult ed program. Take dance lessons. Explore a nearby but unfamiliar town as if you were a tourist. Novelty keeps life fresh and exciting; it helps you grow as individuals and as a couple.

Every kind of date is good for your relationship. Ideally, try to keep a balance between talk-oriented dates and action-oriented ones.

When you share your thoughts and feelings and make sure to have fun together, you’ll keep your relationship strong for years.

Jill Whitney is a marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com. If you have a question about relationships or family life or would like to suggest a topic, email times@theday.com and we’ll consider it for a future column.

Date ideas locally

Think touristy. Try Mystic Seaport, the Florence Griswold Museum, the casinos and Mystic Aquarium.

Eat out. It’s good to go to an old favorite, even better to try someplace new or an unfamiliar cuisine.

Check out art. The Mystic Art Center, Lyme Art Association, Conn College, Lyman Allen Art Museum and Slater Museum have regular exhibits, or take a road trip to the (free) museums at Yale.

Circle up the newspaper. Check out the Thursday Night & Day section and sit down with a pen to circle, check or star every activity that interests you. Take turns choosing the date-night activity.

Learn to dance. Shoreline Swing in East Lyme runs the third Saturday of the month (except summer); a free beginner lesson is included. Mystic Contra Dance is the fourth Saturday monthly. There are also Latin dance and ballroom groups in the area. Many adult ed and park & rec programs offer low-cost dance lessons, too. 

Enjoy nature. Options include the Arboretum at Conn College, Harkness Park, Bluff Point and Avery Point. Stroll the boardwalk in Niantic or at the DEEP near the mouth of the Connecticut River in Old Lyme. Beachcomb at Rocky Neck or Napatree Point.