Almost every parent I know dreads having “The Talk”: the conversation where you tell kids all about sex, especially the mechanics of conception. There is so much to talk about, and it’s hard to know when the time is right, and it’s so dang awkward, so you may end up putting it off, and putting it off...

Unfortunately, this isn’t a topic you should avoid. If parents are silent about sexuality, kids are left to learn from their peers (never a reliable source of information) and, increasingly, from online research. Kids as young as seven or eight years old may go online to look up sexual terms they’ve heard in songs or on the bus and end up not with a definition, but with very disturbing images.

If you’re lucky, your kid’s school may do a good job teaching about sexuality, but many don’t. Even the best schools can’t talk about personal values and aren’t available every time questions come up.

The good news is that “the birds and the bees” doesn’t have to be terrifying. It’s awkward, sure, but that’s okay. And once you get started, it’ll get easier and easier.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that the conversation shouldn’t be one big talk. If you try to convey too much information at once, your child will be completely overloaded. Sexuality is best taught in many small pieces over many years.

It helps to start talking about bodies and sexuality while kids are small. Toddlers and preschoolers are interested in the world around them. That includes how bodies work, the names of body parts, and how that baby got into Mrs. Smith’s belly.

All you have to do is answer questions in a matter-of-fact way. You may be freaking out inside, thinking about all the implications and “OMG, my baby is talking about sex!” but your child is just curious. Take a deep breath, give a short, accurate answer to the question, and you’re done. You’ve added one piece of information to your child’s understanding of the world. Excellent children’s books also can be bought or borrowed from the library.

Avoidance risky

If you get visibly upset or avoid answering questions, there are two risks. One, your children learn that you’re not willing to answer questions and may turn to less reliable sources. Two, you unintentionally convey that sexuality can’t be talked about.

This will make it harder in your children’s adult life, when they need to be able to talk with a partner. It can even make kids think there’s something wrong with them for even wondering or asking; this creates feelings of shame that interfere with later sexuality.

Opportunities for sex-related conversations come up all the time. When you and your child hear a song or watch a movie that touches on some aspect of sexuality, you can comment on it or ask them what they think it means. If you hear a couple arguing, talk about healthy relationships and treating romantic partners with respect.

If you overhear your child talking with friends and someone uses a sexual term, mention it later. (“What do you think Sam meant by ____?” or “____ is a word I don’t like, because it’s crude/puts down women/puts down gay people/etc.” or “I want to make sure you know what ____ really means.”)

When news items include a sexual theme — the #MeToo movement, a sexting scandal, or an LGBTQ march, say — show your kids the article and ask what they think about it. When you hear about something going on at your kids’ school, ask what they know about the situation and how it affects the social standing of the kids involved. Do they look cool, or get teased? Are guys and girls treated differently? Even when kids don’t answer, you get them thinking.

Just make sure to choose a calm, private environment when your child has time to absorb the information.

Even if you feel uncomfortable, be sure to cover puberty by age 8 or 9. Many children today start puberty earlier than people did 20 years ago. It’s scary for kids whose bodies start changing when they don’t know what’s going on. Not knowing about periods, especially, is terrifying. So don’t put off talking about that. The changes of puberty are normal human development; they mean your child is growing and healthy.

Reality check later

As kids get older, it’s helpful to give a reality check about what peers are doing and what’s “normal.” Puberty, interest in dating, and first sexual experiences happen at different times for different people. It’s normal for teens to have an active sex drive, and it’s normal for them to not be that interested.

Although teens may talk constantly about sex, there’s a lot more talking and bragging happening than actual sex. Despite what kids may hear, many teens choose to wait for sex until they’re older or in a relationship. Reassure them that there are many, many ways to be “normal.”

Although their school probably covers the importance of contraception and preventing sexually transmitted infections, mention those at home, too. Even if you don’t think your child is old enough for sex, make sure they have the information they’ll need to stay safe when the time comes.

Also be sure to discuss your personal values, but without lecturing. If you think sex should happen only in a relationship or within marriage, explain why you think that.

What are the benefits of waiting? If you think sex is best when you trust or love the partner, say that. If you think oral sex is just as intimate as intercourse, tell them that. Ask their views on these topics and really listen, even if you don’t agree.

Talk about the kind of sex you hope your kids will have when they grow up: consensual, safe, caring, pleasurable, reciprocal, etc. The goal is to give kids a healthy perspective on sex: that it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not “no big deal,” either. (For most people, physical intimacy is a big deal.) Your child will eventually get to choose when and with whom to have sex. Give them information and tools to make healthy choices.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com. If you have a question about relationships or family life or would like to suggest a topic, email times@theday.com and we’ll consider it for a future column.