For little kids, birthdays are all good. Cake, friends, gifts — what’s not to like?

For adults, birthdays can be more complicated. We don’t necessarily like being reminded we’re getting older. We might not like big parties or being the center of attention.

“Big,” round-number birthdays (30, 40, 50, etc.) and milestones like 65 can bring up especially strong feelings.

Possible reactions to an important birthday range from delight to dread. You may be proud to have made it to a certain age or happy about how good you look or feel. Or you may be miserable being reminded how old you are.

All birthdays tend to prompt a life review: Where am I in my life? What have I done in the past year? What am I accomplishing? This can be satisfying or discouraging.

Stages of life

Round-number birthdays, especially, trigger thoughts about where we anticipated we’d be at a given age. If you expected to be married by age 30, that milestone may feel easy if you’re in a happy relationship or devastating if you aren’t. If you thought your career would be at a certain level when you turned 40 but it isn’t, the birthday might hit you really hard.

For most people, emotions about birthdays are mixed. Acknowledge your feelings, whatever they are, at least to yourself. (Even better, share them with at least one other person). No feeling is wrong; it just is. Ignoring emotions doesn’t make them go away.

You can’t control the fact that you’re getting older, of course. But other things might be changeable. If you’re dissatisfied in some areas, see if you can use your dissatisfaction to motivate yourself. It can give you energy to get in better shape, make a career move, build your relationships or add something new to your life.

To celebrate, or not?

Some people love being the center of attention; some hate it. Some people love getting gifts. Others dread adding to their clutter or having to write thank-you notes. Nothing is wrong about any of this; they’re just matters of personal style.

So how should you celebrate your big birthday? That depends completely on the kind of person you are and what you’d like to do.

You might want a big party, a small party or no party. You might want to take a trip, have a hang-around-the-house day, have a nice dinner with your partner, or entirely avoid acknowledging that it’s your birthday.

Choose whatever is right for you, regardless of what others may want or expect.

It’s a good idea to tell your friends and family what you prefer. People commonly assume those close to them will know, but often they don’t. It’s much better to be clear about your preferences than assuming they’ll get it right and ending up being disappointed.

Someone else’s birthday

Maybe the person celebrating a big birthday is your spouse, parent, friend or sibling. Should you organize a party? A surprise party? That depends.

Some people would absolutely hate a big party or a surprise of any kind; some would be thrilled that you made the effort.

Consider these real-life examples:

“I can’t believe he threw me a surprise party. He knows I hate big parties and I hate surprises. The whole time, I had to force myself to smile.”

“I work so hard at making people’s birthdays special, but he never does the same for me.”

“My two best friends wanted to throw me a surprise party and do all the work, because they knew I’d love it. Then my husband ruined it when he said, ‘You wouldn’t want a surprise party, right?’ — just because he wouldn’t want one.”

These people were all disappointed about how their birthdays were handled. They were hurt and frustrated that their partners, however well intentioned, misunderstood them so badly.

The key to recognizing a birthday is knowing the person and what they’d want — which may not be what you’d want, or what you think they should want. If you’re not sure, ask.

If you’re considering a surprise party and don’t want to ruin the surprise, you might ask the birthday person well ahead (even a year or two) about their views on surprises. Or ask their closest friends what might be best.

(Pro tip about surprises: It’s helpful to tell the surprisee that you’ll be doing something social that day, like getting together with a couple friends. That way you avoid the awkward scenario of the birthday person just wanting to spend the evening at home in sweatpants and you having to push them to go out.)

Be honest with yourself about your motivations. If the real reason you’re tempted to throw a party for your “no party” partner is that you really want to have a party, then have one. But do it to celebrate your own day rather than your partner’s.

Your goal isn’t to do what you’d like or what you think someone “should” want. Instead, show how much you care by focusing on the needs and preferences of the one you love. Help them feel seen and cared about. That’s the best birthday gift of all.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com. If you have a question about relationships or family life or would like to suggest a topic, email times@theday.com and we’ll consider it for a future column.