When couples come for therapy, they often ask for help with communication problems. Sometimes what they’re struggling to talk about is big and complicated; that can take a while to sort through. But other times, the problem itself is fairly small, but the couple gets into trouble with how they communicate.

For instance, some couples create unnecessary drama by saying “no” in the wrong way. Of course you and your partner disagree sometimes; you’re separate individuals with your own preferences and perspectives. But you’re also a team, so it’s wise to say “no” in a way that reflects that.

Watching the tone

When you say “no,” the tone you use makes a big difference. We humans are skilled at picking up the emotional subtext from other people’s tones of voice and choice of language. If your tone is abrupt or harsh, your partner will feel stung.

So make an effort to keep your tone soft. Even if you really don’t want to do something, say it in a way that conveys regret for possibly disappointing your partner. “Oh, babe, that just feels like too much this week.” “I’m sorry, honey, but I really don’t like ____.” That makes it clear that not wanting to do a certain thing isn’t rejecting your partner as a person; you care about the impact your “no” has on them.

Conditional language is also helpful. “I’d rather not” comes across less harshly than “I don’t want to.” “I’d prefer something else” makes room for the other person’s perspective in a way that “no” doesn’t.

Be careful that firm “nos” aren’t a frequent pattern in your relationship, because that magnifies the negative effects. If you turn down a lot of things your partner proposes, they may start to feel you don’t care about their ideas and interests. They may wonder why they should even bother and start to withdraw. Or they might get frustrated and angry because it seems like they never get what they want. Obviously, none of this is good for your relationship.

If there’s tension or distance between the two of you, consider whether you’re saying “no” too often. Do you usually say “no” when your partner wants to include their friends? Do you almost always opt out of an activity your significant other is passionate about and wishes you’d participate in? Do you prefer spending time with your extended family and avoid theirs? Do you push to do what you want to, regardless of what your sweetie would like to do?

Both of you need to feel that your needs and preferences matter. Your partner needs to know that their priorities matter to you, that you’ll at least consider what they want even if it isn’t what you personally would choose. Compromise. Show your partner that the two of you are in this together.

When “no” is too big

Often, couples get in trouble when one or both say “no” in a way that’s bigger than necessary.

For example, suppose you say to your partner, “Let’s have the Smiths over for pizza on Friday night” and your partner says simply, “No” or “I don’t want to.”

What does that do to your mood? Likely, it knocks the wind out of your sails. You may have been cheerful, even excited, about having your friends over — and now you’ve been shot down abruptly. You may feel hurt or confused. It’s hard to know what to say next.

Making it smaller

Part of what’s upsetting in this situation is that you have no idea why your partner said “no.” There’s no room for discussion. That’s why making the “no” smaller is so helpful: It gives your partner something to work with.

Let’s flip the example and suppose you’re the one saying “no.” Instead of a flat “I don’t want to,” say “no” to only part of the suggestion, or explain your thinking. Extra points for proposing an alternative.

For instance: “I’m so tired on Fridays that I just don’t want to deal with guests. How about Saturday or Sunday instead?” “I don’t want to have people over until we finish painting the living room. Maybe we could meet them at a restaurant? Or let’s get the painting done this weekend and invite them over next week.” “I like Pat well enough, but Chris just rubs me the wrong way. I’d rather invite someone else.” “How about we choose a day when the Joneses could also come and when we’d have time to cook something fancier than pizza?” “We have so much going on this week. Can we wait until things settle down a bit?”

See how big the difference is? Instead of slamming the door on your partner’s idea, you’ve opened a conversation. You’ve made clear that you’re willing to talk about alternatives. Your partner can then agree to what you’ve suggested, or propose another variation that incorporates your perspective. You’re working together.

Whatever the eventual outcome, the emotions are much more likely to be positive. You may have said “no” to a specific thing, but you’re saying “yes” to your relationship.

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.

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