Humans communicate all the time. Our words, behaviors, tone of voice and body language constantly convey information to the people around us. Even if we’re silent, we’re saying something. (Maybe “I don’t feel like talking right now,” “I’m mad at you,” or “I’m preoccupied.”)

Sometimes all this communicating is good for relationships and sometimes it isn’t. Obviously angry, hypercritical or demeaning words create all sorts of problems in relationships and in society. That’s important, but not my subject today.

I’m interested in all the small ways well-meaning people can mess up the communication in their daily lives. I see it constantly: A wrong word or a snide tone can turn a conversation from good to bad in an instant. Most of the time, this is avoidable. Let’s talk about how.

Tone and emotion

How many ways can you think of to say “Oh, great”? You could say it enthusiastically, sarcastically, in a flat voice that conveys boredom or indifference, or in a mild but quiet way that shows you’re OK with something but not especially excited. You convey all those different things just by the tone of voice you use — and the tone changes the meaning a lot.

Humans are exquisitely sensitive to other people’s tone of voice. It’s one of the major ways we express social and emotional information. When you keep your tone soft and open, rather than irritated or harsh, your listener is much more likely to be receptive to what you’re saying.

Words choices

Often, a slight change in word choice makes all the difference in how you come across. Think about the different pictures “having supper,” “dining” or “scarfing a bite” each paint in someone’s mind.

Word choice is particularly important when there’s a problem.

Suppose you disagree with someone. If you say “You’re wrong,” you’ve set up a tense conversation. But if you say “I disagree” or “I see things differently” or “I heard some different information about that,” you’re more likely to have a constructive conversation.

Or suppose you want someone to stop doing something. “Don’t do that” comes across and bossy and critical. You’re better off saying “I’d prefer you didn’t do that” or “That creates a problem for me.”

In each example, you’ve swapped a “you” statement for an “I” statement, which feels less like an attack and is easier for people to hear. The softer phrases are less direct, but plenty direct enough to convey your point.

Implied criticisms

Sometimes people make comments or ask questions in ways that come across as accusatory: “Why didn’t you take the trash out?” “There isn’t any milk.” “What did you do all day?”

If you’re on the receiving end of those sorts of comments, likely your back will go up immediately. The other person may not have meant to criticize, but you hear the implication that you’ve done something wrong and go into defense mode. Immediately the conversation becomes tense.

Questions that begin with “why” are emotionally risky, because they imply that the person’s reason for doing something might not be a good one. That may not be obvious, but you’ve likely experienced it when you were asked a “why” question.

Visualize this: You suggest going to a certain movie and your friend asks “Why do you want to see that?” You probably feel you need to defend your interest in it, right? A minute ago, you might have been enthusiastic; now, you feel vaguely criticized.

Instead of asking “why,” try questions that elicit more information without implying a negative. “I don’t know much about that movie; what have you heard?” “Oh, so you feel like a comedy tonight?”

Finding the humor

When you actually do mean to criticize, try to do that in a way that gets results and doesn’t harm the relationship.

Suppose your spouse keeps leaving dishes in the TV room instead of in the sink or dishwasher, and this drives you crazy. You’ve asked them repeatedly to put the dishes in the dishwasher but they keep “forgetting,” so you get more and more annoyed.

Instead of upping the amount of irritation you express, change course and find a humorous way to make your point. “Oh, did Oscar Madison hang out here last night?” or “Dang, the cleaning fairies didn’t come last night, again! I guess a human will have to clean up those dishes.” You’ll make your point, and hopefully both of you will smile.

Thoughts in process

You might also unintentionally create negative interactions by stating your plans and preferences too strongly. It’s totally fine to have plans and preferences, but it helps to express them in ways that don’t come across as rigid. That’s especially true in couples, business relationships or anywhere else there’s an expectation that you’re part of a team.

If you begin a discussion by announcing “I’m going to ____,” or “I won’t ____,” there’s no room for input from anyone else. If the other person is your partner or a colleague, they may feel shut out and hurt. If they want something different, they feel they have to argue in order to be heard.

Rather than “I won’t,” try softer language like “I’d rather not” or “That doesn’t appeal to me” or “I have some concerns about that.”

One of my favorite communication tools is “I’m thinking I’d like to____.” That lets you state your thought process and plan in a way that doesn’t slam the door on discussion. The other person feels they can weigh in, that their opinion can be factored in, which makes a huge difference in how they feel about what you’ve said.

Keeping it positive

Small negatives in tone and word choice accumulate. They can quickly change the course of an evening, a meeting, or an entire relationship.

You’ll have the best results when both people try to stay open and curious about the other person’s perspective. When you’re the listener, try to assume the other person’s intent is positive (unless it clearly isn’t). Give the benefit of the doubt. You can even comment (“Well, that wasn’t the nicest way to say that”), but try not to let the tone or word choice derail the interaction.

When you’re the speaker, avoid the pitfalls I just outlined. Consider not just what you’re saying but how it could feel harsh to the other person — and what might be easier for them to hear. As the saying goes, “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Jill Whitney is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Old Lyme who blogs about relationships at KeepTheTalkGoing.com.