No one at Esquire or GQ has ever called me to ask for sartorial or fashion advice — with good reason. I'm partially color blind, have a posture that makes any suit — whether from WHO or Men's Wearhouse — hang off of me like Spanish moss from a rotting oak branch, and have an unhealthy penchant for Hawaiian shirts that mix colors like sunset orange and lime green.

In that pitiable state, then, I am confronted by an upcoming weekend getaway that will require me, on successive evenings, to dress in "elegant casual" and then "resort casual." First, yes, "elegant" and "casual" would seem to be contrary. Next, though I can't afford to visit even a low-rent all-inclusive "resort" like one of those Jack Tar Village places — the Taco Bell of vacation spots — the idea of a "resort" would seem to me to indicate "casual" by the very definition. Nothing says "relaxation" like a trip some place where you'd surf in a tuxedo, right?

Rather than research either of these terms in a context that would enable me to actually be ready for my "elegant casual" and "resort casual" encounters, I think time is better spent speculating on other perhaps inevitable cross-pollinating style possibilities. Editors at the aforementioned GQ and Esquire? Please take note. As for the rest of you, the next time you receive an invitation asking you to dress in any of the following ways, you'll know what to do.

1. Funerary/Circus - Typically required at a memorial service where loved ones want to convey a less somber tone. Yes, black, gray or navy suits or dresses are appropriate, but Bozo-esqe wigs, Midway strongman-style handlebar moustaches (male and female!), or an arrival on elephants or unicycles are all appropriate.

2. Banana Republic/Slade - Those of you old enough to remember the British glam-rock band called Slade know that lead singer Noddy Holden was glorious in his outlandish tartan plaids, sky-high platform boots, and tam-o-shanter hats. Use any of these elements with tasteful yuppie-wear from BR and you'll be the star of the soiree!

3. Halloween Masquerade Ball, costume required - show up in either "resort casual" or "elegant casual."