Fast food summer! Scribe visits Colman Street for seasonal savories

July 13, 2016 12:00 am • Last Updated: July 13, 2016 4:24 pm

By Rick Koster
Day Arts/Features writer

Recently, I posted on Facebook from inside a Chili’s because the guy in the next booth was literally changing the strings on his acoustic guitar. Once he’d done that, he started tuning them — loosening and tightening and stretching to break them in a bit. Then, the ascendant harmonics as he twisted the machine heads made me want to knock my own teeth out with a chisel.

He was clearly not Sonny Landreth — and mercifully he stopped before he actually broke into song.

Well, more than one social media respondent missed the point entirely — or chose to — because they were incensed that I went to Chili’s to begin with. As though I deserved to be irritated because I opted to eat at a chain restaurant. This is nothing new to me because I get even more vehement reactions when I mention or write that I’ve been in a fast-food joint.

You snide, sniveling, classist gourmands! I happen to like many items at many fast-food franchises.

This all reminds me of Bill Maher’s line about drugs. “They’re FUN!” he said. Yes. So is fast food. And there are no shortage of world-class chefs who happen to agree with me.

(For the record, here’s a small but representative list of culinary sorcerers who enjoy fast food occasionally: Kent Rathbun, Jasper’s and Abacus in Austin, hard and soft Taco Supreme at Taco Bell; Chris Shea, David Burke Kitchen in Manhattan, chocolate frosted donut at Dunkin’ Donuts; David Talde, Talde in New York City, McDonald’s McRib; Michael Schlow, Radius and Via Matta in Boston, bacon double cheeseburger at Five Guys.)

Yes. And summer is a good time to cruise through a fast-food joint or another because so many offer seasonal specials. To help you assuage your guilt and smooth your way to franchise glory, here’s a quick survey of “short time only” items you might (or might not) want to try as you head down Colman Street in New London.

Grilled Chili Cheese Hotdog, Burger King ($2.65) — This is simply a truly fine deal. There’s a split, all-beef wiener on a toasted bun, ladled with shredded cheddar and a lean, surprisingly piquant brand of chili. I could eat several of these.

Lobster Roll, McDonald’s ($8.99) — The only way I can describe this is, ah, eerie. As you order, there’s a video playing behind the cashier, showing the “creation” of the sandwich. You see melted butter being ladled on the griddle-marked roll, then heaps of lobster dumped atop as though Neptune himself was crafting it!

Truth told, the obviously real (albeit once-frozen) lobster meat had zero — ZERO taste. It was like eating lobster-shaped air or, as my pal and colleague Jill Blanchette suggested, a hologram of a lobster roll. Take that back: there was a texture and substance — maybe as if someone had cut a sponge to look like lobster hunks and then sautéed them to somehow taste like oxygen. I dunno. A puzzler. Pay the extra bucks for Captain Scott’s or Claw & Rib.

Cinnabon 2-Pack, Taco Bell ($1) — I wasn’t aware TB served breakfast, but they do and these little gems are part of the menu. So maybe they aren’t seasonal, but they’re new to me. Each is about the size of a pingpong ball and the construct is sorta the reverse of a cinnamon roll, where the icing is on the top. With the 2-Packers, the exterior is a hollow, thin crust of sugary/cinnamon seduction, and inside is a creamy hot filling. Simple but seductive.

Seafood Salad Sub, Subway, ($4.99 six-inch, $7.99 foot long) — I actually watched the Sub Dude mix the large hunks of fake crab — or Krab (and why don’t they just call it whitefish) — with just enough mayo to provide adhesion. A thick mixture was ladled atop a wheat grinder roll with my requested Swiss cheese, tomatoes, olives and banana peppers. I was pleased. There’s discernible fish flavor without being too heavy, and it’s a cool, seasonal sammich. I’ll eat this again.

Summer Chicken and Berry Salad, Wendy’s ($4.99 small, $7.99 large) — You can actually trust that this is good for you. Fresh, crisp lettuce, fresh strawberries and blackberries, diced hunks of white-meat chicken, dried apple flakes, sprinkled gorgonzola, and a flourish of light berry vinaigrette. ... Even though my brain kept making my eyes look at menu pictures of a triple burger, this was good.

Strawberry and Cream Cheese Fried Pie, Popeye’s ($1.99) — Fried pies are generally excellent things and particularly appreciated in the South. Given Popeye’s New Orleans heritage, I wanted greatness. Hmm. The crispy crust was, at some point, quick-fried for brittle texture. Then, something like a turkey baster was inserted and propelled a goopy mixture of mellow cream cheese and what tasted like those packets of jelly you get at IHOP or Denny’s. I’d pass.