DEAR CAROLYN:

Three years ago, I was in the throes of a very sad divorce. My sister was a major, long-distance emotional comforter, and we began planning a life on the road together (in an RV). The market crash pushed back our plans.

Now, I am no longer in the pit of despair. My sister still wants to hit the road and is closing in on herself as I withdraw from the plans.

I do still want to travel extensively with her. I have also gotten involved with a man, whom I would like to include in said travels. I have made the mistake of "soft-soaping" some of the changes in my life to her.

I know no one can hold me emotional hostage, but is there any way to stop simultaneously loving and hurting her?

- P.

You can admit to your sister that you're stronger now and the impulse to drop out and drive around has passed; you can say you're looking forward to traveling extensively with her instead; you can follow through on this; and you can leave your new love at home - at least for the bulk of the trip.

Remember the classic young-adult lament "The minute she gets a boyfriend, my best friend disappears"? You're the midlife reissue of that best friend. As long as she was providing you with long-distance soul-saving services, you were fully invested in traveling with your sister. But now that you don't really need her anymore, you're suddenly running short on enthusiasm (and the courage to say so).

It's entirely possible that your sister's emotional state has changed in the last three years, and now she could use your "major" support. Or maybe during your divorce she needed you, too, but recognized that you had a more immediate need and pushed her sadness aside.

Or, maybe she just really had her heart set on driving around with you.

Whatever the particulars, you owe her some form of the trip you promised - with your whole heart in attendance. If you can't get excited for the same reasons that excited you three years ago, find new ones. Do it because she came through for you so beautifully. Do it to see new corners of the world. Do it for the pleasure of missing this great new man, and stepping back from him to get some perspective, and calling him every third day from the road, and returning to him when you're done.

Do it so you can look in the mirror without shame. Do you really want to be the person who had time for her sister only when she had something you wanted? If the guy is worth your devotion to him, then he'll get why it's so important that you do this. He'll urge you to go.

If money is still a factor, then that's another matter entirely, though still not a deal-breaker. And whether the issue is money or time or tastes or just being three years older, there's no reason you can't adapt your plans to suit; you don't have to resurrect every detail of the trip you originally planned. It's just that you have every reason - every reason that matters, at least - to keep the spirit of your journey intact.

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