Rick's List — Chiming In: Creeps on the Airplane Edition

It's reported that only people in plague quarantine haven't offered an opinion on this yet, and that's only because they're busy sneezing in private.  

I'm referring, naturally, to a viral video of what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle might have called "The Adventure of the Dude in the Last Row of the Airplane and His Unhappy but Spirited Reaction to the Woman in Front of Him Who (Possibly Thoughtlessly) Reclined Her Seat Into What He Regarded as His Personal Space."

If this had indeed been a Sherlock Holmes story, I suspect Doyle's heroes would have resolved the caper with quick efficiency: The wily detective and Dr. Watson would force open the cabin door and toss both morons out into the sky.

In case you haven't seen the real-life footage in question, a dude was seated in the last row of an airplane — oh, wait, just read the fake short story title above for an explanation. The only missing information is that the dude's retaliation, when the woman eased back, was to do soft punches on the rear of her seat for a really long time, causing her to film it on her phone for a really long time. An impasse of idiocy.

But! Could any of us have guessed the nutty outcome that's just now going public? Can YOU guess?

1. The pair is getting married.

2. The pair will be the stars of a new reality show and will also co-write a manuscript about the flight that will sell at auction for the mid-six-figures.

3. The pair are actually married and own a successful Wellness/Meditation business. This is just how they "like to goof around." At the end of the flight, they got up and hugged and the passengers and crew all had a good laugh about it. "Sort of like 'The Gift of the Magi' for our times," said the air marshal who was angry at first but ended up buying a "Calming" candle from the couple.

I'm surprised, though, that something like this doesn't happen regularly on flights. People are larger than ever; airline seats and spacing are smaller than ever; and people are more self-entitled and rude than ever. Personally, it's my token gesture of politeness that, on an airplane, even though I'm tall, I do not recline my seat. And if the person if front of me does, I'm not happy. I just read. 

But if I was going to react, what I might suggest is:

1. Invest in foot-long metal spikes that strap around the back of your knees and extend forward. If the person in front of you moves back, your knee-spikes slice through the seat and into the occupant's spine or kidneys.

2. Always have a can of Silly String — the kind used by Darlie Routier when she was decorating the grave of the sons she'd just murdered. Find yourself behind a Recline-Person? Spray a kooky, beehive-style Silly String pattern onto the offender's head. A spray can of Easy Cheese works, too.

3. Forget the stupid, infantile bunny-punches used by the nerd in the video. Instead, learn drummer Scott Travis's live intro to Judas Priest's "Painkiller" and lay THAT with full fury onto the rear of the seat in front of you. Then hope they know a good neurosurgeon.

4. Open the cabin door and shove the Recliner Person into the sky. Elementary!

 

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