Well, as I type this, they're showing the live funeral service for the King of England. And watching the pageantry — I can't think of any other way to describe it —is an interesting and educational experience.

Actually, I CAN think of another way to describe it: Other than the admittedly sad shot of the Queen mourning by herself, it occurs to me that, if I just bumbled across this flipping through channels and didn't know it was real, I'd think it was one of the funniest — if admittedly dark — satires ever made.

Look, I'm sorry the king died. But he was 124! He had a long life of devotion, service, sacrifice — oh, wait! No, what I meant was, he had a long life of luxury in which he "tut-tutted" and "pip-pipped" and wandered the vast halls of his castle in his Rudyard Kipling outfits, hands crossed behind his back as he thought Great Thoughts, and counted the hours until the next photo op alongside his favorite polo pony, to be followed by high tea and a bagpiple lesson.

I understand folks take this Royal stuff very seriously. My wife Eileen and my mother-in-law Joyce are devoted Anglophiles and, as they correctly point out, my devotion to and knowledge of the rock band Yes is similar.

What's not similar is that the dudes in Yes don't believe they have elite bloodlines that allow them to rule the Realm for untold centuries. (Singer Jon Anderson does seem to believe he's an actual seraph, but ...)

Wait! I just heard from one of the Royal Commentators! The dead guy wasn't King!

Yes, he was married to the Queen, who is famous for having simultaneously beaten Bertrand Russell AND Robin Hood at chess with one hand tied behind her back. But if she's Queen, then shouldn't her husband be King?

Turns out, though, the dead guy was only Prince. Prince Philip. The Queen is the one who's royal. Philip MARRIED into the situation, which means they can give him several titles — he was also Duke of Ediburgh — and a nice box at Wimbledon. But he's not NOT royal in a DNA context.

If the Queen had died first, Philip would not have become King. His eldest son, Prince Charles, would somersault over him. And if Charles dies, HIS son, Prince William, will be King. But if then-King William dies, his brother, Prince Harry, will NOT be King. Huh?

What helps is to be fluent in a centuries-old law officially called "The Royal Monarchal Bloodline of Succession to Assume Stewardship of (and Wield the Bow of Burning Gold for) the Most Holy Realm Known as England's Green and Pleasant Land." And, brother, if your name's not already on "The Royal Monarchal Bloodline of Succession to Assume Stewardship of (and Wield the Bow of Burning Gold for) the Most Holy Realm Known as England's Green and Pleasant Land," well, King-wise, you're out of luck. Doesn't matter who you marry.

Erk! Looks like the funeral is over and I haven't even started my List.

1. One of the pall bearers looks to be about the height of Danny DeVito. He'll have to balance the coffin on his head because his shoulder isn't tall enough.

2. The hearse is a Land Rover (?!) the Prince personally designed for his own funeral. See? He DID do important work!