Westbrook's Haywire offers triumphant fare

March 15, 2018 12:00 am • Last Updated: March 15, 2018 10:02 am

By Rick Koster
Day Arts/Features writer

Nashville hot chicken sandwich (Eileen Jenkins)

If you're a hypochondriac, as I am, there are always plenty of reasons to see a physician even if, by now, I can usually talk myself out of making that hysterical call for an appointment.

In a spin of fiendish irony, though, I discovered that our doctor's office in Westbrook is very close to a place called the Haywire Burger Bar. I had emerged hungry and guilty after a late-morning consultation — "Well, Rick, we just don't see any signs of schistosomiasis, particularly inasmuch as you haven't even BEEN in sub-Saharan Africa, so ..."

Feeling foolish for once more wasting the resources of the entire medical staff, I drove off and, on spying the Haywire, impulsively wheeled in to seek caloric penance. It worked! Great burger — but maybe too great. I'm back to square one, which is to say I look for any excuse to go see Doc because, afterward, I can go to Haywire.

I know: why don't I just go to Haywire anytime I want without bringing medicine into it?

Well, because it's not a great idea to eat red meat in heavy rotation, that's why. It could do strange things to my overall health, which would then require a visit to the clinic and ...

Haywire is located in what appears to be an old house on the main Boston Post Road strip, just south of the Old Saybrook line. You check in at a hostess station inside the front door and can be seated in the main room, at the full bar to the left or in a side extension with an A-frame roof off the main structure. There are high-back booths, tall top and regular tables, sconce wall lighting and sports-happy big screens over the bar; the overall comfort of the place appeals to tavern-goers as well as family diners. It's also worth noting that, as spring draws nigh, there's a nice outdoor patio/bar out back.

Though there are a select few "big salads" and entrees available, the majority of the Haywire menu is devoted to pub appetizers, sandwiches and eight-ounce, Black Angus beef burgers ground in-house. Also, there are 28 revolving beer taps, spiked and non-spiked milkshakes, a nice wine list and plenty of designer cocktails.

Fried pickles ($8.99), which are southern in origin, have in recent years become de rigueur in pubs and sports bars up here. That doesn't mean they're made correctly, but the Haywire version is generously portioned and agreeable. The coin-like discs of dill had a fine ratio of tart pickle flavor to crunchy cornmeal exterior. And the accompanying ranch dressing was tangy and probably crafted in-house.

Irish egg rolls ($8.99) was a surprising and creative success. Indeed, the traditional flash-fried Asian wrapper contained beer-braised shreds of corned beef with melted Swiss cheese and piquant sauerkraut. The taste combination was perfectly proportioned and attacked the tongue with a variety of textures and sensations. A dipping cup of Thousand Island dressing offered an intriguingly sweet accent.

So far, I've tried two burgers and two items from the sandwiches roster. My first experience was obvious: a Don't Mess With Texas burger ($14.49). I'm, ah, from Texas. The patty is sort of like a hockey puck if the chef used a lathe to round the sharp edges. Served medium by request, with a crisped exterior but still moist inside, the beef was sprawled across a thick slice of buttery Texas toast. Heaped on top was a generous dollop of spicy, bean-free chili — admirable version — cheddar, onion and pickled jalapenos. As I was wearing a much-valued white T-shirt — King Crimson, the "Larks Tongues in Aspic" album cover — I actually pushed aside the top slice of toast and attacked the creation with a fork and knife rather than risk stainage. A fine burger.

Ditto for choice #2, the Mac Daddy ($12.99). I'm not sure whether it's so titled as Haywire's approximation of a Big Mac, but eating this was a pleasant trip to the past — yes, the very distant past when the world was young and a Bic Mac was, far from the object of ridicule it is today, a truly beautiful thing. Seriously, a Big Mac has changed in myriad ways since 1970. And the Mac Daddy, with its American cheese, pickles, lettuce, sesame seed bun and a "special sauce," makes me believe someone in research & development at Haywire was raised on original Big Macs and has pulled off a wonderful homage. (A small complaint: I asked for medium and got rare instead. Again, not a big deal.)

From the "sandwich" side of the board, I truly loved the Smoking Cuban ($13.99). As with a regular Cuban, there's ham, Swiss cheese, pickles and mustard on a pressed roll. But while the normal final ingredient would be sliced pork, Haywire substitutes hunks of BBQ-style pulled pork. Frankly, the excellent pork somewhat overwhelms the ham. I would have liked a greater balance, but this is still a fun idea I'd try again.

My only disappointment came with the Nashville Hot Chicken sandwich ($12.99). In Nashville, "hot chicken" is an indigenous treasure, and the idea is to melt your tongue with greatness. At Haywire, Texas toast was again the foundation, with accents from pickled peppers and ranch dressing — all in support of a buttermilk-fried breast which was then painted with a sort of culinary massage oil blended of many spices, probably such as garlic and chili powder, paprika, red pepper and cumin. No complaints with the sun-like heat, but the seasonings were desperate for a bit of brown sugar to counteract a bitter quality that lingered.

All sandwiches come with shoestring fries, which were fine without being anything special.

There are 14 other burger creations at Haywire, and another dozen crafted sandwiches. I look forward to trying most of them. To that end, I need to make a doctor's appointment. Maybe two. I feel a serious case of hunger coming on.

Irish egg rolls (Eileen Jenkins)